“The only journey is the one within.” ~Rainer Maria Rilke
I am listening to the rhythm of all that surrounds me. I am listening to my heart.
With each breath and each step, I am realizing that I need to create my own equilibrium.
Around me there is chaos, a swirling amount of pain, loss, struggle, and so much more. There are also beautiful connections, loving hugs, an amazing trail to walk, and yes life. I am surrounded by life.
While loss is inevitable right now, so are new beginnings and continuous movement. I am sad, but I am also very much grounded in the simple gifts of now.
My flannel sheets wrapping me in a cocoon when I go to sleep and when I awake.
The three beautiful hard wood tapestry needles I found in the mailbox yesterday which are inviting me to weave again.
Trusting my inner knowing even when hard or scary conversations will follow.
Asking for what I want and need while learning to accept the outcome of challenging interactions.
Love: I have been blessed to experience it, even when loss is the inevitable outcome.
My writing allows me to navigate some rough terrain.
I am resilient. I am the artist of my life. I am deeply struggling. I am wrestling with the divine. I am hoping my cracks begin to heal. I am alive. I have made it 100% of my hardest days. I am a creative. I am beautiful as I am. I am enough. I am a thriver. I am doing the ‘dance of emergence”. I am dancing with the divine. I am leaning into the darkness while knowing the blessings of light. I am on a journey to live authentically. I am navigating life the best way I can. I am on the journey of my life.
Hineini. I am here.
With each moment, I get to: take one breath and another take one step and another do one action and another Again & again
Onward with love, light, and blessings – now & always, Chava
A long time ago, I realized the power of awareness.
Moving forward can’t happen unless you can see the path that needs to be taken or at least the possibilities. That means that I am not going to lose weight unless I realize that I weigh too much or that my health is struggling due to excess weight. Or maybe, I realize that I am feeling despondent and I don’t think I have what it takes to propel myself to a better place, so I seek a psychotherapist to help me figure out what to do next. Or perhaps it is as simple as my car won’t start, so I go to the mechanic who tells me that my battery needs to be replaced.
Life if full of opportunities that need our attention. And unless we take note, we aren’t going to be able to change our course.
Yesterday, I realized that my spirit was feeling battered. After months (actually longer) of navigating a toxic situation, I was beyond exhausted. That realization inspired me to make the following post on Facebook:
I need a spiritual ICU. (Idea inspired by Anne Lamott) I wish I could figure out how to make it happen even in part.
After that post, multiple people reached out to me concerned that I was crashing. But the reality is that while I may have initially felt that way, it became the farthest from the truth. Once I shared how I was feeling, I began my journey towards a solution.
Within minutes of writing that post, I had started creating a plan for the well needed ‘Spiritual ICU”. It started with me
writing a list of what I needed.
taking some time off from work.
reading a book that help fostering more ideas for how to navigate.
painted which provided a creative outlet to center myself.
took time to breathe, really breathe.
listened to a couple of chants which helped ground me.
Just sharing my feelings led me to a better place.
Social media is a tool. When my son and I were sick a couple of months back, our beloved friends learned this and kept showing up with food, medicine, thoughtful treats, and with love. When I have needed a recipe for lentils, my friends shared that too. Whenever I want to help someone in need, my posts tend to get the needed support.
There have been times when I’ve needed love or knowledge, support or ideas. Often I simply share what’s on my mind through my writing or art. Social media makes all of this and more possible.
Unfortunately, social media also gets me into trouble. Not everyone appreciates my insights. And that’s ok, not everyone needs to agree with me; that’s not how I walk in the world.
So last night, I shared that my spirit was trashed. I didn’t say those words exactly, but I am blessed that I have good friends that got the message. And yet, that venting empowered me to look for solutions. And it also invited a few friends to say I think I may have an idea that will help.
Over the coming days, I will take moments as possible and by Friday afternoon, I will allow for a fuller “Spiritual ICU”. Waking up and accepting where my spirit was allowed me to create a plan towards my healing. I am already feeling better.
Onward with love, light, & blessings,
Chava
PS: Thanks for reading what will likely be part of my memoir which at this point is being called, Living Out Loud: One Thriver’s Journey. If you like what you are reading, please take a moment and like it on WordPress or any social media site, AND if you have feedback, I’d love to hear it.
Glennon Doyle, one of my favorite writers, often shares a story about a ginormous Facebook faux pas. The story goes that one of her friends posted the question asking her “friends” to share 25 things that only a few people may know. Well, Glennon shared without looking at what her friend had written before her. BTW, if I recall correctly, Glennon shared about her intense struggles with alcoholism and bulimia. Her friend shared that her favorite snack food was hummus.
When Glennon mentioned the “experience” again in one of her recent podcasts, I decided that it was the perfect time for me to come out of my own metaphoric closet and share a little bit more about myself.
As a side note, I have been playfully working on this list for a few months. Every few days or weeks, I’d edit the list. And then this morning, I picked what I refer to as my ‘Daily Inspiration Cards’ which could be any number of decks that I have. Today’s card came from a deck called ‘The Universe Has Your Back’ by Gabrielle Bernstein. And the card I picked was, “There is nothing sexier than my authentic truth.”
Once I picked that card, I couldn’t resist, today is the perfect day for me to share some “authentic truth”. Doesn’t everyone want to be sexy. So here is my opportunity.
And #1 is a perfect start. 😊
Except for my #100DayProjects, every counting that I create for myself or any amount of money I donate is divisible by 18 which in Hebrew is chai and means life. Chai (18), double-chair (36), triple-chai (54), quadruple-chai (72) and so forth always puts a smile on my face and leaves me feeling connected to counting. Now for the other 17 . . .
When I was about 14 years old, I would climb moving trains and then jump off the top of them.
For about 12 years starting in my mid-20s, I lived as an Orthodox Jew. And while I left Orthodoxy behind, I still have deep respect for it.
Throughout the years I have went out on dates with more Davids than should be legal. Really! So much so, that my older son has forbidden me to ever date another David. Not because there is a problem with any of them, but it is just too surreal to be normal. At one point in time, I counted about 8 (maybe as many as 10) different Davids. BTW, I dated two Dans too . . . .so perhaps it’s just anybody’s name that begins with ‘Da. . .’ that’s the problem.
A day or two after getting up from shiva, the traditional seven-day period of Jewish mourning, for my father, my brother and I went out so that we could devour crabs and shrimp to celebrate my dad’s life. The thing is that I was still living life as an Orthodox Jew. In truth, I had already begun my exodus out of that life, but it was also a way to take a moment to remember something Ricky and I both loved from a childhood that was a nightmare.
I haven’t always felt physical pain. My threshold for pain is super high, but today pain wipes me out. So much so that any intense pain turns me into a complete baby. It’s almost as if l am crying for the pain that I was never allowed to cry for as a child. I love that I don’t have to pretend any longer, but I really do wonder what “normal” pain is.
My mother believed I was mentally retarded (which today would be called developmentally disabled) or perhaps simply limited. She was wrong.
I once threw a book at Ms Pfiefer, my 8th grade Biology teacher. To be honest, the teacher was a total bitch and should not have been allowed in the classroom, but I probably should not have thrown the book at her.
I was born with two left feet. No, I don’t actually have two left feet, but I am a klutz. Sadly, I have never been able to reconcile this reality without a sense of despair. The good news is that I found and continue to find ways to move in my own way while loving the outdoors. Maybe one day, I will get over my despondency that I can’t hike challenging terrain. As someone who has been blessed to hang with all sorts of people with various gifts and challenges, I know this is ridiculous. Still, I wish I could hike tougher trails with ease.
Throughout elementary school, I hated having to sit in the front row of every class because I was hearing impaired. It felt always felt awkward to have my teachers tell the entire class why I had a seat in the front of the room.
I love deeply and forever. While friends and loved ones may fade away, I rarely, if ever, stop loving. And it doesn’t usually matter how or why the connections evolve or are severed, I feel loss. If I have done the work and if I am lucky, I may eventually find the grace to let go. The wounds, however, never completely leave.
Growing up I missed a ton of school. In one particular year, I missed more days of school than I went to school. Back then I believed having negligent parents was a good thing. During my younger years I stayed home to read books; in my later year I traveled a very different path – drugs.
To this day, I sometimes grapple with feeling unworthy. On those days, I simply keep following the wisdom of Chase Jarvis who reminds us to, ‘Make it until you make it.” I choose to actively keep taking one step and then another until I become more grounded in my own worthiness. I never give into that silly feeling.
When I was in third grade Hebrew school, I lied to my teacher Mrs. Minkove and told her that I broke my arm and would need to have surgery. I never considered that my parents and my teacher would interact with one another. So, you should have seen the look of surprise when my very uninvolved parents returned home from an open house or a PTA evening to ask me what was wrong with my wrist. I am not sure what stunned me more – getting caught in a HUGE lie or finding out that my parents showed up to an open house.
I once made my brother so angry while he was babysitting me that he broke a glass table in our family room. I must have been a horrific monster that day because I remember my brother always being a saint when it came to me.
I didn’t learn how to ride my bike until I was 11 years old. And then after nearly 25 years of not riding, my friend, David, had the patience to bike with me when I was in my 40s. The funniest part of that first bike ride is that I couldn’t figure out how to gently turn a corner. The adage isn’t true for me, “Once you learn to ride a bike, you never forget.” I forgot.
One of my favorite things to do as a child was to climb the weeping willow tree behind my house with my friend Marc Mellits. I wonder if we will ever climb trees together again. I wonder if I could. LOL!
I love that I now see myself as a creative spirit.
There is so much more that I could share, but a list of 18 is the perfect number of random facts about me. . . .so I will stop. 😊
Onward with love, light, & blessings,
Chava
PS: Thanks for reading what will likely be part of my memoir which at this point is being called, Living Out Loud: One Thriver’s Journey. If you like what you are reading, please take a moment and like it on WordPress or any social media site, AND if you have feedback, I’d love to hear it.
Version 1: May I be safe. May I be happy. May I be healthy. May I live in peace.
Version 2: As adapted by Chava Mirel May we be filled with lovingkindness. May we be well, healthy, and strong. May we be safe and protected. May we be peaceful and calm (link to this version is below)
The practice of chanting calms my spirit and grounds me whenever I need inner peace and emotional safety. There are weeks, when chanting is part of my morning ritual and other times when the exact words of a chant call to my spirit at the perfect moment. After over 10 years of often having a daily chanting practice, I’m amazed how the words show up like a long-lost friend who, without knowing of the need, calls at the exact right moment.
Time and again, I have learned in chanting, as well as in reading and writing, that there are rarely any coincidences. The words flow where they need to go.
There is instability wherever I turn. The challenges have invited me to sit with the demons crawling all over my skin. In so many ways our world sucks; we live in a society which often feels racist, elitist, and environmentally virulent. And sometimes, I feel like I have puppeteers that control my life, we all do. Once we know this, we need to do the holy work of figuring out what to do about it. We all have choices on how to move forward from wherever we are. Yes, we work with others. Yes, our country is governed by our politicians and others. And yes, we are part of families that invite us to navigate family traditions. But we also have our voices and I am profoundly aware that I am ready to use mine in healthy ways.
Suddenly over the last few days, I found myself chanting the ‘Loving-Kindness Meditation’. There are many musical and meditative interpretations on the internet, but the two versions I prefer are above. I do both in a chant, the first adapted by me and the second by Chava Mirel. Both ground me when I am wrestling with darkness.
Personally, I have been struggling with feeling unsafe in different ways for well over a year. There are many reasons why this is the case. All of them real, but not necessarily understood or respected by those that could have made things even a little better. In life, we all have a threshold for how we tolerate the world around us. I am no different. And I was beginning to crack until I found a way to ease my rough edges. I only wish I had started chanting a lot sooner.
As an adult, before coming to Houston and growing politically aware, I have no memory of feeling such an unrelenting lack of personal safety (spiritually, mentally, and even physically). Perhaps that is because I wasn’t listening to my inner knowing. Now I am listening. And in my vulnerability, I am doing an uncoordinated dance to seek balance. And with each step (and each chant), I am consciously quieting my inner turmoil and finding stronger footing.
There isn’t much I can do when people disdain or have total disregard for me, but I can do my best to not to mirror their toxicity. That behavior only fuels the fire. On the other hand, I need to remember that my safety always comes first. I can’t be happy, healthy, or at peace without first being safe. And I haven’t been feeling all that safe for awhile. Although in this moment, I have found an inner calmness and a returned sense of safety.
The work I am choosing to do now is an inside job. Writing, painting, chanting, and even organizing are the tools I use to get me in a quieter place. I am finding my rhythm! And while toxicity may still surround me, it doesn’t have to penetrate my being.
Gratitude is leading me to a better place. Houston has given me more gifts than challenges. Between Hurricane Harvey, COVID, and an evolving community, as well as my own creative journeys, I have been blessed with many growth opportunities and these last months or even year are no different. My spirit is navigating some harshness, but I got this! With the help of the ‘Loving-Kindness Meditation’ and so many other tools, I am finding my voice and reaching to where I want to go.
I dwell in Possibility – Written by: Emily Dickinson
Always.
I see the gifts within the challenges. I continuously seek ways to improve all that is unfolding around me. I find solutions and keep looking for better solutions.
I strive to be the best me, even as I navigate the messy middle.
And when things get dark, I take a deep breath and another until I become aware of the sparks. And the good news is light always emerges from darkness.
I dwell in Possibility.
Onward with love, light, and blessings,
Chava
PS: Thanks for reading what will likely be part of my memoir which at this point is being called, Living Out Loud: One Thriver’s Journey. If you like what you are reading, please take a moment and like it on WordPress or any social media site, AND if you have feedback, I’d love to hear it.
In her book, On Being Human, Jennifer Pastiloff shares her mantra, “May I be a human thank you and not an asshole.”
I appreciate how beautiful it is to simply be a ‘human thank you’ even when those around me are ungracious or ungrateful. The same goes when I am feeling angry and frustrated at whatever is happening in my orbit. Some days are full of sh*t moments, but I have a choice for how to navigate.
For me, there is power being in a place of gratitude. I soar when I note the gifts even those within the challenges. I started figuring this out in a more tangible way when my sons were seriously ill at different points during their childhood. Their illnesses were horrific for our entire family, but the nurses and doctors which showed up were amazing. At the same time, we were surrounded by some beautiful friends that kept us fed and took care of us in some very thoughtful ways.
While both of my children healed from their various illnesses, the lessons that I learned along the way made a difference. Smiling takes the edge off the pain. Acknowledging the angels makes the assholes less impactful. Noticing the precious moments even during our struggles is the gift I gave myself.
Basically, saying thank you at every opportunity feels right and even profound.
When my father was alive, I distinctly remember how every cashier, waiter/waitress, or store clerk received a smile, a kind word, and always a story. Morry Bloomberg never lost a moment to be warm to whoever was in front of him and he never walked away from anyone without saying “thank you”. . . never. Every person that met my father loved him. He was the epitome of a “human thank you” and he was never an asshole.
While my father didn’t protect me from my mother as he should of, I still feel blessed to have been Morry’s little girl and to learned from him how to relate to the world that was sometimes quite harsh.
This lesson has stayed with me in my encounters with people that forget to say thank you or worse yet have been rude and hurtful to me. For the most part, I don’t hold grudges; instead, I choose to detach with kindness and love. Mostly.
I am still growing and will always be a work in progress as I try to remember to be a better human thank you.
Onward with love, light, and blessings,
Chava
PS: Thanks for reading what will likely be part of my memoir which at this point is being called, Living Out Loud: One Thriver’s Journey. If you like what you are reading, please take a moment and like it on WordPress or any social media site, AND if you have feedback, I’d love to hear it.
Twenty years ago, my brother and I stood by father’s bed as he took his last breath.
Looking back I don’t recall it being extraordinary, it was simply the end. My father was no longer in pain; he wasn’t waiting to die. He was simply gone.
There isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think of him. I am the woman I am because of my father’s love. He taught me how to navigate people and he taught me how to compartmentalize so that I could face each day no matter what I was experiencing.
What I wouldn’t give to hear his corny stories or see how he could make anyone feel at ease in his presence.
And yet, if I am honest, my father didn’t keep me safe; he didn’t protect me from the wrath of my mother.
I’m 55 years old and I’ve never known what to do with my feelings about my father. I loved him deeply and he let me down too. But somehow, I forgave him – mostly. I believe he loved me the best way he knew how.
My dad found ways to create magic even in the midst of the storms. He would take me on long drives that felt like they lasted forever until they didn’t. There was always laughter and singing when it was just the two of us. We we would sing the hits and the oldies. We would make up songs and giggle about the “chewing gum that lost it’s flavor on the bedpost over night”. He was silly and loving, but then he brought me home.
The story I tell myself is that he didn’t know how to navigate the realities that took place in my childhood home. On a good day, it doesn’t matter; on a bad day I face the numbness that has developed over time. I just keep moving forward.
I was always daddy’s little girl. At least I was until the end of his life. Somehow I pissed him off in his last days of life and he let me know. It wasn’t pretty; I am not even sure if it was conscious. But the tension during that fateful summer day was some of the worse pain I’ve ever felt.
Sadly, that horrible day has always left me wondering if my dad would like the person I am today.
My guess is that he would.
I am truly Morry’s daughter in every way. I learned how to be fully human from my perfectly imperfect father.
My hope is that I took all the best from my father and shared that with my own sons.
And maybe. . . if he is looking down at me, he will see someone he is proud of.
Onward with love, light, and blessings,
Chava
PS: Thanks for reading what will likely be part of my memoir which at this point is being called, Living Out Loud: A Thriver’s Journey. If you like what you are reading, please take a moment and like it on WordPress or any social media site, AND if you have feedback, I’d love to hear it.
From a young age, I learned that silence is the way to navigate my most intense feelings. As I have gotten older, I have found a way to shed some of what is going on within me, but I can’t do that with multiple layers . I figure it is too much for me to process . . . let alone others.
Yesterday was simply one of those days. I felt like something terribly wrong would happen and I wasn’t wrong. A spiritual tsunami struck. Surprisingly, I was able to keep my spirit in check and continue on with my day. I was clear that I couldn’t let my guard down until I was alone and in a quiet space.
So I did what I do. I worked. I allowed myself to do some monotonous tasks which meant that I didn’t have to think too much. I went shopping for a major purchase that I had been putting off for weeks. And I continued on my day.
I did what I tend to do so beautifully. I put a smile on my face; I put one foot in front of the other; and I forced myself to breathe. I did all that and I was proud of myself. I was choosing to not slip into the ravine that was calling my name.
In truth, I love how I can compartmentalize. It doesn’t mean that I do it perfectly, but I am seriously ok with being perfectly imperfect. Truthfully, perfection is a figment of most of our imaginations.
I think I might have been able to keep myself in check, but instead there was this piece of straw that broke the camel’s back. So I came home and I let myself feel it all and to feel it deeply.
Somewhere along the line, I lost my courage to write. I am not quite sure where it went, but it temporarily flew out the window one day and left me staggering.
Writing has been an integral part of my life since I can remember. I’ve always thought of myself as a writer, but for a moment in time the words ceased to flow. It’s almost like my gift had moved somewhere else and didn’t leave a forwarding address. Losing the ability to write was scary for me at first. My consolation came from realizing that I have always been a writer and I always will be. And I didn’t really stop writing, I just stopped writing my blog and my book. I was simply pausing and that is ok even if it felt a little dark.
In her book, Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear, Elizabeth Gilbert shared that as a 16 years old, she made a vow to always be a writer. When I read that, I found myself reflecting. While I have never made a formal commitment to writing, I have never seen a reason to. Being a writer has always been a given, it’s been in my blood. I believe Liz may be onto something. I think it may be time for me to create a commitment ceremony so that the next time I pause doesn’t feel so scary.
I am a writer. This I know without question.
And yet, I think it is always good to explore why things happen. Why did I lose the courage to write?
“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.””
~Brené Brown
I think what happened is that I began wondering whether or not my writing, my stories were worthy of sharing. I became overwhelmed with how different people felt the need to tell me how they perceived my offerings. So I stopped. I didn’t want my feelings or thoughts to be critiqued. I just wanted my words to flow. I do, however, appreciate when folks let me know my grammar or wording need to be tweaked.
As I am waking up, I am feeling joy with my writing again. What people think of me is none of my business nor is it a concern. I love writing. It fuels my spirit and keeps me grounded too. Writing is how I keep myself in check.
When I lost my ability to write, I felt like I was being silenced. I couldn’t find the words to say what I wanted to say. The truth is that I silenced myself. But I am back. I am ready to live out loud as only I can do.
My full heart is ready to flow out into the world and watch the reverberation unfold. I am here to do the heart work of writing. Writing is what makes me whole.
Thanks for hanging on for the ride!
Onward with love, light, and blessings, Chava
PS: If you have any ideas for how I can create a commitment ceremony to take place between me and my writing, I’d love to hear.
Each Thursday night or Friday, I write a short blessing and I send it out into the world. While I send them just in time for Shabbat or the Jewish sabbath, they are meant for everyone regardless of their faith based tradition. I love writing and sharing them. First I text it via WhattsApp to my family and then I text or email my words to a few friends from every aspect of my life. Finally, I post it on Facebook. These words are my gift to those that have impacted my life in both small and large ways.
‘my shabbat blessings’, as they are called, were inspired by a friend of mine who died in March 2021. Complications with COVID as well as other health challenges took Stacey Zisook Robinson’s life too soon. On many Friday afternoon’s Stacey would PM (private message) me a beautiful Shabbat prayer. And on most weeks, I felt like her words were written just for me, maybe they were. Nearly every prayer felt like a salve for whatever was filling my spirit on any given week. I regularly wondered how she knew the exact words I needed to hear. I learned to stop asking her and simply receive her gifts.
About two weeks after Stacey’s passing, I felt like I needed to keep her beautiful tradition alive, so I started sending my own Shabbat blessings out into the world. As soon as I did so, I quickly realized:
The words I put into my blessings were the exact words I needed to hear.
My blessings often touch people in sweet ways; it seems like I am doing for others what Stacey did for me.
They have become my way of connecting with people that I deeply care for even if I don’t actively keep in touch.
Writing ‘my shabbat blessings’ has also helped keep my writing alive. Over the last year, my writing has slowed down to a trickle. On a hard week, I used to believe that I forgot how to write. On a good week, I understood that I was simply taking time to inhale or perhaps simply pause before I started exhaling my words into the universe again.
In essence, the blessings I’ve been sharing with others have become balm for my writer’s soul. This realization has released me from the pain I had been feeling about my own easing up of writing my book. I have never stopped writing, but I needed to slow it down. I still write every day. I journal two to three times daily and nearly every day I post deep reflections on Facebook and Instagram. And sometimes, I even write personal letters. 🙂
Below are two of my most recent ‘shabbat blessings’. From now on I will start sharing them in my blog so that they are available for those that would like to see them. Feel free to subscribe to my blog that way you will never miss ‘my shabbat blessing’.
Onward with love, Chava
June 25, 2021
my shabbat blessing:
life is full of:
light and darkness.
moments to soar and moments to reflect.
gifts and challenges.
may you be blessed:
to rise above the muck.
to thrive no matter what.
and to discern with an open heart.
may today give you insight.
may tomorrow give you wings.
and no matter what always keep listening to your inner voice.
you are on your own journey, trust yourself.
and never forget to breathe.
onward with love, light, blessings – now and always,
chava
~ ~ ~
July 2, 2021
my shabbat blessing:
take a moment
inhale deeply
nourish your body
exhale fully
release what no longer serves you
take a moment
listen
to the birds chirping
or maybe the wind blowing
take a moment
see
the lifecycle of the flowers as they thrive or wilt
or perhaps the creatures as they wander from here to there
inhale
exhale
again and again
may you be blessed to pause each and every day.
onward with love, light, blessings – now and always,
chava
Life is full of dichotomies and below is how I often choose to navigate.
~ ~ ~
Inhale the love that surrounds me. Exhale the deep sadness and core loneliness that sometimes nests within my spirit.
Inhale the precious environment that I have created and embraced. Exhale the tragedy of my first home.
Inhale the gifts of my teachers and my teachings. Exhale the times that people let me know that I wasn’t enough.
Inhale the memory of lovers that filled my spirit. Exhale the reality of what is or isn’t in this moment.
Inhale the beauty of my body, mind, and soul. Exhale the stories that I often tell myself.
Inhale the inner knowledge that I am on an ongoing becoming. Exhale the struggles that sometimes come with growth.
Inhale my ability to release what no longer serves me. Exhale the gifts and challenges that comes from what I’ve released.
Inhale the gifts of friendship that keep showing up – time and again. Exhale the losses of those that choose to close the door or to the doors I closed for myself.
Inhale the light and let it travel to the four chambers of my heart, my lungs, and through my entire being. Exhale that light into the world. Again and again.
Inhale the love that always emerges at the perfect time. Exhale that same love to the life-forces that surround me. Again and again.
(Now Continue . . .) Inhale all that is good, all that is beautiful. Exhale all that is good, all that is beautiful.
Inhale. Exhale.
Inhale. Exhale.
I’ve got this! I can do hard things!
Onward with love, light, and blessings,
Chava
PS: Thanks for reading what will likely be part of my memoir which at this point is being called, Living Out Loud: A Thriver’s Journey. If you like what you are reading, please take a moment and like it on WordPress or any social media site, AND if you have feedback, I’d love to hear it.
I am resilient I trust the movement I negate the chaos Uplift the negative I’ll show up at the table, again and again and again I’ll close my mouth and learn to listen *RESILIENT* by Rising Appalachia
My life is a journey. Each day I can open my eyes and decide how I will navigate the world that is in front of me. The choice is mine.
But sometimes I forget this. I am trying to be human in a world that doesn’t quite know how to negotiate with how I walk in the world.
As someone who has worked hard to find my voice and to live out loud. I have been feeling the sting of being silenced by both well meaning people and others who struggle with how I show up in the world. You know the people that need to let you know how you are instead of really listening to not only what you are saying, but the space between the words too. For a while I did what ultimately ended up breaking my own heart. I became outwardly silent. I quieted the sweet rawness had become a part of my essence.
With each day that I felt silenced, I felt a darkness bubbling up inside of me. I allowed myself to sink into those feelings. What they brought up wasn’t pretty, the feelings were sad and lonely. The good news is that I didn’t hide from myself, only from every part of my world.
And then I read a chapter out of Tara Schuster’s book, Buy Yourself the Fucking Lilies. She has a chapter in her book that says exactly what I needed so that I could propel myself forward, ‘I Tell Myself I Am Grateful for Everything, Even When I Am Grateful for Nothing: Fake Gratitude Until You Feel Gratitude’. This chapter became the catalyst for me to get out of my own way. It took nearly a month, of me waking up and journaling what I was grateful for in my morning pages before I experienced the shift. At first it was hard; I wasn’t feeling grateful about much. Yet rarely did I have to fake it; my life is seemingly full of blessings even when I am not in a good place. Eventually I began journaling my feelings of gratitude before I went to sleep too. I think that is when my biggest shift was ignited.
With the passing time, I nested. I created new opportunities for myself to flourish differently. I put aside my writing and some of my other creative endeavors. Even my beloved journal sat largely empty for months.
In order for me to find my light again, I had to move my energy differently and that is exactly what I did. And then by coincidence on the day my great niece was born, everything shifted. My gratitude journaling began with the following words: “I am grateful for the following realizations.” And with that flowed what I now consider to be my Soul Guidelines.
Focus . . .one task at a time.
Choose to *Live In Power*
Know that I am always on a “journey towards. . . .” (Willy Potts)
Be still.
Trust your knowing (Glennon Doyle)
Hineini – I am here to serve
These words which flowed out of me as if they were channeled have become a catalyst for me to RISE UP and choose how to “show up at the table, again and again and again”.
Hineini, I am here,
Onward with love, light, and blessings,
Chava
PS: Thanks for reading what will likely be part of my memoir which at this point is being called, Living Out Loud: A Thriver’s Journey. If you like what you are reading, please take a moment and like it on WordPress or any social media site, AND if you have feedback, I’d love to hear it.
“From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. That is the point that must be reached.” ~Franz Kafka’s The Trial
New Zealand Sunrise – Photo courtesy Jai-Jagdeesh
From last Saturday until today, I have had so many f*cking growth opportunities to show how far I’ve come over the last several years. The truth is that I am feeling pretty jazzed by where I am. At a different point in time, any one of these things may have trashed my spirit for a while, but in truth each of the “opportunities” impacted me greatly but didn’t cause an internal tsunami. To quote Leo Babauta, I am showing some serious “mental badassery”. www.zenhabits.net/narrative
Life happens. Cars break down. Politics rumble. Friendships end. Loved ones show up. Learning occurs. Moments matter. People get sick. Gifts keep coming. Sadness does too. My holy work is to keep moving forward, remain clear, and cognizant of the many truths in each situation. I get to choose how I want to navigate – always.
Childhood didn’t teach me how “normal” people cope with a week full of clusterfucks, but that’s ok because life has given me a chance to learn. And this week truly ended up being full of some enormous gifts. Nothing that happened to me was great, yet everything led to me feeling healthier and more grounded. Here are just three of the many examples. This week really was full of learning opportunities.
Last Saturday, Aryeh and I were getting ready to drop my car to the mechanics for my emissions test and a hefty car repair that would have cost about $1200 – $1300 when my entire dashboard lit up to tell me my hybrid system was malfunctioning. So we went to the garage and left the car there. I was pretty certain that would be my last ride in my 2013 Prius and it was. Between the initial car repair and the hybrid system going out, it would have cost me about $4,300 with the possibility of about another $3000 repair. I owed just a little bit of money on my car which I was able to sell and pay it off. Here is the thing. . . it is just a car and I feel so blessed to have dodged a huge bullet. AND what better time to be a one car family; I am working from home as COVID continues to wreak havoc on our nation. With each step, I realized that this was not a huge deal. . . .not at all. Will it be easy? . . .no. Will I stress about what car to buy? . . . sure. But this is not a serious problem. In fact, I am so f*cking proud of myself for choosing to navigate instead of getting lost in the anxiety. Moving forward . . .
After all was said and done with the car, Aryeh and I decided to order food last night from a place that has ALWAYS done well by us. Well, that night was not one of those always nights. As soon as dinner was over, we knew we were in trouble. We had gotten contaminated by gluten; this is not good news for two people with celiac disease. Nearly a week has passed and we are still struggling with GI distress, exhaustion, and joint achiness. Yay!! But again, this is not a huge deal. We know what’s happening. And even with my achy body, I have been able to walk about 6.5 miles every day this week. My body is strong and so is Aryeh’s. A mantra was born out of the gluten ruble, “I am the keeper of my body.” This means I need to keep moving and make better lifestyle choices. I have seen myself drink more water, move more daily, and make time for self-care. I have work to do if I want to keep being healthy. Moving forward . . .
I needed to end a friendship with a soul friend because of how she attempted to negotiate a situation with an organization that we both loved. I am grateful to having my eyes opened even if I am still sad; I am also happy to embrace more beauty in my life with less manipulation. I almost went down a rabbit hole of trying to defend myself until I realized that she had woven a story to make herself feel like a champion for a good cause. The problem is she bullied me forgetting that good friends talk to one another. I was caught off-guard because I didn’t know that the person had created a timetable and a plan. And the best part of this debacle that she created was that I probably would have agreed with her conclusion. Ironic. And now I don’t have to wonder who my true friends are. I love that. Moving forward . . .
This week helped me to realize that how we walk through life is a choice. And no, I don’t believe everything can be seen as a gift. Although I do believe you may find some beautiful gifts even after some really tough times. I know I have. Moving forward . . .
Onward with love, light, and blessings, Chava
PS: Thanks for reading what will likely be part of my memoir which at this point is being called, Living Out Loud: A Thriver’s Journey. If you like what you are reading, please take a moment and like it on WordPress or any social media site, AND if you have feedback, I’d love to hear it.
My world is a little too frenetic and it is time for me to quiet it down.
Over the last month, I have been drawn to the wisdom of those who preach the power of going inward so that they can better navigate the life they seek. Through really listening to both written and spoken words of poetry, books, and podcasts, I have come to realize that in order to move forward and to where I want to go, I have to go inward and nurture my spirit. For the most part, I have not connected to this part of myself in many months.
With just over 40 days until my 55th birthday, I have decided to run to the quiet. While work will remain a focus during my work hours, I am looking forward to “listening to the quiet” as my father used to say when he lovingly cupped his hands over my ears as a little girl.
It’s time for me to give myself the space to do the things that nurture my spirit so that I can hear what my heart is calling me to do in all areas of my life. Two of the biggest ways that I will try to reconnect with are writing and chanting.
Writing The good news is that I have been writing daily. Each and every day, I find 30 – 60 minutes in which I get lost in journaling. But that is not enough for me. I have two books that I have actively been working on for quite some time – one as a writer and the other as an artist. Somehow, I have lost the rhythm to move forward with my books and it is time for me to refocus my efforts there. With all of life’s distractions, I have not been thriving as a writer. Ironically, my memoir is currently being called Living Out Loud: A Thriver’s Journey. Looks like it’s time to find my rhythm again. I’m on it!
Chanting Recently two beautiful chants have invited me to breathe a little deeper and to become more grounded. How is it that I stopped doing the very things that bring me the most tranquility? Each time, I chant or simply sit on my zafu, meditation cushion, I find center. So why aren’t I doing these things more frequently?
Chanting is my soul work; it empowers me to get in touch with my inner voice, to listen to what others are saying and not saying, and to sit with the rawness of who I am. Through chanting, I learn to trust where I am, where I am going, and who I want to join me in this journey. Somehow the practice of chanting nudges me to open the doors that are good for my soul and close the doors that are no longer serving me.
The two chants that are calling to me right now are:
I love how this chant by Rabbi Shefa Gold’s reminds all of us to “. . . rise above the illusions of limited perspective and enter the truth of our love, clarity and power.”
In this beautiful chant by Rav Shoshana Mitrani-Knapp, I am being guided towards the “deep grounding and a connection to a universal Oneness” that I crave and have not been able to access for quite some time.
Both of these chants came to me through my beautiful mentor Anael Atara Joblin. I am grateful she shepherded me back to where I belong! When I am chanting, I feel more at one with the universe, so why haven’t I been doing what calls to me? Time to begin again!
Releasing the Energy Vampires
We all have what I have now come to see as energy vampires. People or activities that distract us from doing what calls to us. With this in mind, it is time for me to limit all distractions and to make time to do more of what jazzes my soul. I actually appreciate how Facebook, along with all social media, and my cell phone keep me informed. The constant barrage of information allows me to find out how people are doing, who has lost someone they love, what is going on in the world, and what I can do to make our world a better place. It also gets in the way of me emerging in healthy ways and actively engaging in life.
One More Thought A couple of days ago, I listened to my favorite podcast, “The Chase Jarvis Live Show”. In this episode, Chase interviewed Paul Ninson, an extraordinary documentary photographer and aspiring cinematographer, born in Ghana. The title of the podcast was ‘When Preparation Meets Opportunity’. In this podcast, Paul said something that has inspired me to go inward and focus on what is most important to me. He said, “I know where I come from. I know who I am. I know where I am going.”
The truth is I tend to think of myself as having similar clarity to Paul. At the same time, I have not been living as someone who is clear minded and actively embracing their goals. My many distractions have caused me to lose focus. Unless I return to the work of moving forward and reaching for my goals, I will not end up as planned.
Running to the quiet will galvanize me to be more intentional in every area of my life. I want to thrive as a mother, a friend, a human being, a creative, and an activist. This means that for now and probably for a a long time, I need to go inward and really listen to what is calling to me. And then I need to act accordingly.
I am running to the quiet so that I can live in alignment with my spirit.
If you can see your path laid out in front of YOU step by step you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.” ~Joseph Campbell
The good news is that while I may not know exactly what turns will get me to where I am going. I do know that thriving can only when I nourish my soul. Only through breathing deeply, moving my body, and being creative can I fuel my essence into being. It takes intense work, but I am up for the holy work that comes with choosing life.
I am not sure if I saw myself as a creative before the last few years. In fact, I think I may have seen myself as a wallflower or perhaps even a little insignificant. I surrounded myself with people that were dreamers, artists, musicians, activists, and so much more. While I was a loving soul, a passionate writer, and a giving human being. I wasn’t enough. I wasn’t smart enough, creative enough, or beautiful enough.
Looking back, I know that was a bullshit story I told myself.
Today I feel much differently. I have found my rhythm. I trust that I am enough. I have a way of staying grounded while soaring. At the same time, my open heart invites others to do the same. I am inspired by humanity even as I struggle with parts of what I see. I show up, I strive to do the next right thing, and I take time to live authentically as a mother, a friend, an activist, and a creative. I embrace the magical world and allow it to guide me with each step.
My happy place is anywhere that I am being creative. Over the years I have moved from being ‘just” a writer to becoming a creative in so many different areas of my life. I love to watercolor and to weave, but I also love to play with sand or food or really anything. As an educator, I seek ways to inspire kids and their teachers to simply play. My hope is to empower people to leave their boundaries behind and allow themselves to explore new horizons. None of us need to stay in a box that was often chosen for us.
There is nothing self indulgent about navigating the world as I do with an open heart, mind, and spirit. In fact, my entire being has not only the right, but the responsibility to show up fully in my own life. And what I know today is that I can only do this if I listen to my inner voice that so clearly nudges me (ok shoves me) towards creative endeavors.
Over the last couple of years, I have been blown away by the many messages that keep showing up while reminding me that I need to do the same thing in every area of my life.
Working with an incredible rabbi and community that invite me to show authentically.
Elle Luna’s book, The Crossroads of Should and Must: Find and Follow Your Passion and amazing podcasts inspired by her book.
SARK’s teachings – Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy’s mentoring focuses on giving her students tools so they could begin Making More Alive Choices.
The following creatives continue to fuel my work including Chase Jarvis, Glennon Doyle, Indie Arie, Jennifer Pastiloff, Brené Brown, Seth Godin, Elizabeth Gilbert, P!NK, Mary Oliver (z’l), Indigo Girls, Katy Perry, Neshama Carlebach, Shoshana Jedwab, Tracy Chapman, too many scholars to mention, and so many more
Watching how “This Is Me” unfolded and ultimately touched so many lives in “The Greatest Showman”. As I viewed this scene, tears rolled down my face as I processed my own journey towards finding inner courage and bravery to stand strong as the woman I am. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLFEvHWD_NE
As someone who has been battered and bruised, I literally lost it when I first heard Keala Settle sing:
I am brave, I am bruised I am who I’m meant to be, this is me Look out ’cause here I come And I’m marching on to the beat I drum I’m not scared to be seen I make no apologies, this is me
As a THRIVER, no one would want to see the darkness that I have seen. I am blessed because today I have emerged into the beautiful and strong woman than I am. My writing and my art have become my roar. And I would have never been able to do it without guides and beloveds that have come with me on my journey.
Life continually calls to me in new ways. With each word I hear or read, I am carried to somewhere I have never been. I am learning, stretching, and evolving on a daily basis. I am literally moving in directions that I have never seen before.
My path is not obvious. I seem to have to do a lot of weeding along the way. And yet, I am finding the path that was meant just for me.
Hineini, Here I am! I am alive; I am thriving; and I have made it to this time!
Onward with love, light, & peace, Chava
PS: Thanks for reading what will likely be part of my memoir which at this point is being called, Living Out Loud: A Thriver’s Journey. If you like what you are reading, please take a moment and like it on WordPress or any social media site, AND if you have feedback, I’d love to hear it.
We make our habits, and then our habits make us.” John Dryden
Life is a journey that can totally deplete us, but can also empower us to stretch and grow. Personally, I do a much better job once I realize that living consciously makes a profound difference with every step I take. Sure, I wish my heart never shattered and my body didn’t hurt, but sometimes they do. Damn.
There are periods of time when I feel broken and ill equipped to navigate life, but once I realize my role in the hard stuff, I can plunge right into action. That starts by taking a deep breath and beginning to put the puzzle pieces of my life where they need to go. While at first it may be painfully challenging, it is also a non-negotiable . . . although there are moments when I forget this reality. The truth is each of us need to go through our pain; I am no different.
Healing is holy work.
The beautiful news is that once I open up to the possibilities, I can choose how to proceed. My deep sadness, my physical achiness, or my overall intensity doesn’t have to take over my spirit – at least not on a permanent basis.
And yet, how often do I go to unhealthy defaults. For me, it may mean eating the wrong foods or not doing what I need to be healthy. Over the years, I have often forgotten that my habits can either keep me healthy or burden me. Without question, I believe that everything I do matters.
With that in mind, I want to share a few of the ways, I cope with some of the deep sadness that I have been feeling since March. In March, our country lost our norm with COVID and my heart broke when a beloved relationship needed to dramatically shift. Both left me treading water and crying big ugly tears. And on a bad day, both still do.
Pain has a way of causing watershed moments and at the same time, water has a way of healing.
As much as I cry big, ugly tears and tread water to stay afloat, I also run to the water when my spirit needs calming. And when my body aches, it is water that seems to ‘oil’ my body so that it better functions.
Running to the water – always
Water is one of the hugest gifts in my healing toolbox.
I ride waves daily and sometimes I simply tread water. I do what I need to do.
I drink a ton of cold water and sometimes warm water to help me stay hydrated, clear headed, and physically malleable.
Whenever I can, I run to the water (ocean, bay, river, or lake) and just stare out to the soothing waters – sometimes for hours.
AND there are a few morning practices that guide me daily or nearly daily:
As soon as I open my eyes in the morning, I start moving. For the most part I rarely use an alarm clock, instead I wake up when the universe shakes me up and then I start functioning.
I always make my bed as soon as I can (or as soon as my puppy, Magic, allows me). This habit allows me to always be successful at the start of my day.
Do The 5 Second Journal – This journal invites me to reflect where I am and to plan my day too. For the most part, Mel Robbins’ journal opens my spirit while easing me into my day.
Stretch my very stiff body. Ever since I had back surgery a few years ago, I can’t seem to leave the stiffness behind, but I am grateful that my stretching routine helps me feel to keep moving.
On a good day, I walk 3-5 miles. I love when the cooler weather conspires to have me meet what has become a daily goal.
Thanks to Chase Jarvis, creativity has become a daily part of my life. Since hearing his amazing podcasts, The Chase Jarvis Live Show, I have found a creative rhythm that propels me forward, inspires happiness, and keeps me grounded.
Holy living is possible because I have learned to honor my journey to healing and ultimately to life. Yes it’s hard at times, but I always get to choose how I will negotiate moving forward.
Holy living is a gift. AND water has a way of making nearly everything better.
Onward with love, light, & blessings, Chava
PS: Thanks for reading what will likely be part of my memoir which at this point is being called, Living Out Loud: A Thriver’s Journey. If you like what you are reading, please take a moment and like it on WordPress or any social media site, AND if you have feedback, I’d love to hear it.
Twenty years ago, my brother and I stood by father’s bed as he took his last breath. 
Yesterday was simply one of those days. I felt like something terribly wrong would happen and I wasn’t wrong. A spiritual tsunami struck. Surprisingly, I was able to keep my spirit in check and continue on with my day. I was clear that I couldn’t let my guard down until I was alone and in a quiet space.
If you can see your path laid out in front of YOU 
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