As I opened my eyes this morning, I quickly became aware that I was in the midst of some sort of a spiritual metamorphosis. As soon as my pen hit the paper for My Morning Pages (journal), I felt like a huge shift was on the horizon. I went from moody to grounded with each written word, but it took a lot of deep breaths and inner-work to go from Point A to Point B.
The most empowering transition seemed to come when I compared the a few of the moving parts of my life that have either jazzed my soul and/or crippled my spirit. Sometimes I feel like these two seemingly different concepts are actually ‘two sides of the same coin’.
Taking A Step Back
Two weeks ago, I took a bite of real bread and then another and another. As I was sinking my teeth into the first bite and then the second bite, I found myself thinking that this panini tasted so authentic, so real; the only problem was that it ACTUALLY was and I got really sick from eating it. As someone with celiac disease, eating a gluten filled panini was a disaster. History had taught me time and again that I would be sick for as long as three months from eating the panini.
The good news was that I understood what was happening and I had recently found some amazing health practitioners to help me strive for better health which meant that they were there to help me face my latest crisis. The bad news is that every fiber of my being hurt.
Over the years, I have learned that when I am most despondent or sick as in this case, I dig deep into the soil of life to figure out what is really hurting and how I can best heal.
This morning, I allowed myself the time and space t go inward. It probably helps that I started waking up at 3:30. Within My Morning Pages, I admitted to myself that I felt off. My body hurt, my mind was struggling, and my spirit wasn’t up to par. As someone who seems to rally at an intense level most of the time, I was aware that I needed to explore the thoughts racing around in my head.
What I found initially stunned me? And then, I allowed myself some space to re-frame the darkness and turn it into light. I needed to knead the thoughts to allow them to flow.
I had a momentary fear that I was simply never going to reach my dreams.
- If being healthy is a non-negotiable then why aren’t I further along in my health journey?
- Why is it that I haven’t created my new blog called My Second Foundation in which I will be interviewing and writing about survivors of trauma?
- Have I done enough or anything to make the world a better place?
- If I truly want to have more time to do the things I love, why haven’t I done more to simplify my life?
- Am I doing enough to develop my writing?
- And when will My Second Foundation, my nonprofit, have wings?
All of these questions/thoughts challenged me and will continue to challenge me. And while I wish I could be doing more of what I love, I am blessed to be on a path that I love.
Breathing deeply, I need to do a better job of celebrating what is as I strive for each and every one of my dreams.
As I focus on becoming the healthiest me that I can be, I need reconsider how I see this process. I am on Day 3 of what I will now refer to as My Journey Towards Life. With 122 days until my birthday, I have the ability to do the holy work of taking care of my body, my mind, and my spirit. I am on the journey to make my life the best possible life it can be. My hope is that on Day 124, I may stop ‘officially’ counting, but I will count all the days of my life.🙂
While I love life and I love my life, I want to better engage in living more consciously, physically moving and keeping my heart pumping. Being healthy is so much bigger than I realized. My body, my mind, and my spirit need to be cared for; I am a package deal.
Over the last few days, I have been doing a lot of the practices given to be by my Aryuvedic Practitioner and acupuncturist, massage, drinking cleansing teas, walking, and writing. I have also been spending time with my sons and connecting with friends. Surprisingly or not so surprisingly, I have been sleeping and napping a lot.
It feels good to make taking care of myself a norm.
I love deeply and I am spiritually committed to those I adore. And yet, I nurture relationships that are safe instead of seeking connections that can bloom into partnerships.
Perhaps that is what is right for me, perhaps not. . . I think it is time for me to delve deeper so that I can discover what I really want.
I need to face the myriad of feelings and trust what insight follows.
At the end of my very soulful writing time I asked myself some guiding questions.
- How can I connect more deeply with that which I am and that which I want to be?
- How do I create a world that honors the holy trinities (per Glennon Doyle Melton) of body, mind, & spirit?
- How do I navigate my sadness over some deep losses.
After I ask guiding questions of myself, I often pick cards from different decks. The beauty of picking these cards is that each of them usually answer the very questions that I had originally asked for guidance. Today, all three of my card choices did! It was mind blowing!!!
This I believe
The insights that come during the early morning hours have the power to change you if you have the inner-strength to listen.
May the seeds that were planted this morning sprout with beautiful growth! May I become even MORE ALIVE!
Thank you for taking time to listen to today’s rambles.
Onward with love, light, & blessings,