Sometimes I feel surrounded by my shadows, the shadows of my heart, the darkness of my soul. There are so many stories that are locked inside of me; I don’t actively hide them, but over time I’ve stopped putting words to my memories/feelings. Through living my experiences and watching others respond to those experiences, I know my stories can be hard to absorb. Due to that reality, I share my stories rarely now. In reality, except for a down moment or day, I don’t really have the need to share my stories too often.
My loved ones and friends want to hear about my life, but once the words are spoken people often become overwhelmed with sadness and forever inch away from hearing more of my stories; it is hard to absorb the foreign words of abuse. My words are too intense to hear so the beautiful souls within my world, quite literally, find my stories too painful. Over time, I am finding that I have no words to share any more, no wisdom to give. My childhood stories are dark and are hidden under the shadows of darkness.
Mostly I find the beautiful light that illuminates my world, but sometimes I don’t feel the warmth of that light. My optimism has contributed to my success as a person. The darkness of my childhood has to be acknowledged, but doesn’t need to override my life. I can see the joy that surrounds me now, laugh at the absurd and recognize sadness when it presents itself.
The tears are securely hidden in the crevices of my body. Today I am feeling the need to be cradled in the cushions of warmth, sweetness and love. I want to feel the cocoon of love surrounding me; I’ve been so strong for so long. At the same time, today I trust the love that surrounds me; I know that the old wounds don’t ever completely go away, but they do heal.
Living with the neglect, the abuse, the filth and the loneliness as a child will forever impact who I am today. The beauty is that I have learned from those experiences; I am alive in spite of those experiences. The blessings that surround me are enormous in every way. And it really is ok to have days when I need to be nurtured; today I never have to go without. My story changed as I grew up and became a the woman that I am. I made choices and I climbed out of the hell that once surrounded me.
Sharing these thoughts is helping me find the light within my soul. My silence doesn’t really benefit me as it once did. The silence used to be my cocoon, but I believe that might be changing.
Maybe, just maybe I need to share some of my stories so that those that care for me can see that I have quite literally survived with a light surrounding me. My stories make up who I am, even the darker stories. And maybe it is time for me to find the words that are hidden deep within me and trust those words to those that love me as I truly am.