Honoring the Darkness; Releasing the Sadness

Sometimes I feel surrounded by my shadows, the shadows of my heart, the darkness of my soul.  There are so many stories that are locked inside of me; I don’t actively hide them,  but over time I’ve stopped putting words to my memories/feelings.  Through living my experiences and watching others respond to those experiences, I know my stories can be hard to absorb.  Due to that reality, I share my stories rarely now.  In reality, except for a down moment or day, I don’t really have the need to share my stories too often.

My loved ones and friends want to hear about my life, but once the words are spoken people often become overwhelmed with sadness and forever inch away from hearing more of my stories; it is hard to absorb the foreign words of abuse.  My words are too intense to hear so the beautiful souls within my world, quite literally, find my stories too painful.  Over time,  I am finding that I have no words to share any more, no wisdom to give.  My childhood stories are dark and are hidden under the shadows of darkness.

Mostly I find the beautiful light that illuminates my world, but sometimes I don’t feel the warmth of that light.  My optimism has contributed to  my success as a person.  The darkness of my childhood has to be acknowledged, but doesn’t need to override my life.  I can see the joy that surrounds me now, laugh at the absurd and recognize sadness when it presents itself.

The tears are securely hidden in the crevices of my body.  Today I am feeling the need to be cradled in the cushions of warmth, sweetness and love.  I want to feel the cocoon of love surrounding me; I’ve been so strong for so long.  At the same time, today I trust the love that surrounds me; I know that the old wounds don’t ever completely go away, but they do heal.

Living with the neglect, the abuse, the filth and the loneliness as a child will forever impact who I am today.  The beauty is that I have learned from those experiences; I am alive in spite of those experiences.  The blessings that surround me are enormous in every way.   And it really is ok to have days when I need to be nurtured; today I never have to go without.  My story changed as I grew up and became a the woman that I am.  I made choices and I climbed out of the hell that once surrounded me.

Sharing these thoughts is helping me find the light within my soul.  My silence doesn’t really benefit me as it once did.  The silence used to be my cocoon, but I believe that might be changing.

Maybe, just maybe I need to share some of my stories so that those that care for me can see that I have quite literally survived with a light surrounding me.  My stories make up who I am, even the darker stories.  And maybe it is time for me to find the words that are hidden deep within me and trust those words to those that love me as I truly am.

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Friends

All of my life I have believed that friends are there for a moment in time.  The time can last for moments, days, weeks, and years; but, when it is time to end the friends leave your life.  For the most part I have lived by that reality.  People are there for when they are and then when it is time they leave, the memories of my friends remain a blessing.

Throughout my adult life, I have been surrounded by some very beautiful souls that have guided me through both good and challenging times.  The love that has embraced my world is precious beyond words; rarely have I felt totally alone and when I have it was about my own “stuff”.  Having friends during some of the tough stuff has kept me alive when the darkness was looming through me. At the same time, part of me thrives on being alone even when most others would need a friend, but that’s just who I am.  The gift is knowing that friends will be a part of my life whenever I allow them and that even if the friendship is over because life has evolved, an old friend will always be part of my heart and soul.

A few old friends have been part of my life for a long time.  They know me deeply; they care for me without excessive judgment.  What I learned during Aryeh’s illness is that even those that loved me couldn’t necessarily be present for me; that hurt.  The beauty was that other souls were there, other people came in and held us in their heart and helped us handle life’s details. I used to think of those individuals as our guardian angels.

Living in Washington DC, makes it hard for everyone to be an active part of our life.  Over the years though, a few friends were part of my life even when distance or life’s circumstances came between us.  Because I believe that friendships evolve, I have usually OK with the evolution that happens over time.

Eighteen months ago, my friend Helena dropped off the face of the earth.  With Aryeh’s recovery being so slow, I didn’t take too much time trying to track her down.  I called once a week, I tried emailing her, and I believed Helena was just too busy being a single mom with triplets. When Andrew, her husband died, Helena’s world was rocked to it’s core; but still she showed incredible strength as moved through her life and continued to raise her triplets.  I truly believed Helena would come back to my world much like she did in the past.

As the months continued, I continued trying to reach out.  I didn’t think to google her; I couldn’t remember any of her friends; and over time I let go.  I allowed our connection to evolve, but at the same time, I missed her.  I missed Helena’s calls; I missed her laughter; and I missed knowing that I could just be exactly who I was with her.  She was such a beautiful friend to have in my life.  Each night , she used to have her children pray for Aryeh;  Helena believed in prayer, her children’s prayer.

Eighteen months ago, I lost a Helena; I didn’t know it until last week, but she died of an aneurysm, leaving behind her loving children among others. Last week, I finally remembered who I could call to connect with Helena, but it was eighteen months too late.  Maybe I am not really as OK with evolution as I thought; I used to be.  For the last week, I have cried a lot; I have wanted to reach out and say “hi” to her and to talk, but my words can’t reach her.

Drama happens. Sometimes people you love die without warning; sometimes a good friend is vibrant one day and then the next day, their lives are forever altered; sometimes friends aren’t there when you need them.  Everything changes over time.  Today I am wondering how to live my life with integrity without letting fear get in the way.  How will I reach out to my friends? How will I reconnect with those that mean something to me?  For the last three years, I have needed to detach from much of life.  Since this past summer, I have begun to re-enter the land of the living, the land of connections.

There are so many beautiful souls in this world and I am blessed to have many of those souls as my friends.  I love the way people touch my life, sometimes for a moment, sometimes for a few months, and if I am really lucky sometimes for many years to come.

As I get older, I am developing connections that are lasting for years as opposed moments.  I am becoming a very lucky person. But sometimes, when the friendship goes through growing pains, I hide behind a wall; I let go of the friendship and say good-bye.  I always feel gratitude that I have had ‘the person’ in my life, but all relationships evolve.  I truly believe that sometimes we are fortunate enough to evolve together and sometimes we are not.

Due to my own life choices, I have lived in many different states and traveled in many different circles of friends.  In many cases there are no links between my different friendships.  Of course, this is coming from the woman that picks up homeless people (quite literally) with children, puppies, and strangers.  Wherever I go, I meet new friends.

Today, I am hoping to find ways to stay connected with those I love even as our friendships evolve.  People are too important to let go of forever.

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