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Posts Tagged ‘universe’

Today is Day 21 (and the last day) of My Selfie Challenge. This was my time to look at how I walked in the world and to shake loose from some of the very things that bound my spirit.  And if I am going to be really truthful, it was my hope that as I took each photo, I would learn to be just a little happier with the person that I am. As a seeker, it was my time to find the beauty that was me.

~ ~ ~

 

As a woman, a mother, a thinker, a seeker, a free-spirit, an intuitive, a dreamer, a friend, a sister, a healer, an activist, a loving soul, and a human being, I believe that my voice needs to soar. In fact, I believe that most human beings that are doing their part to make the world a better place need to be preaching their truth as they stand with humanity.

Over the past 21 days, I have felt trapped in the selfie box. While I may have felt trapped, I now feel free because in the end I realized some very important truths about myself.

  1. My voice matters.
  2. I am beautiful inside and out.
  3. Living in these times and in the confines of my life have made me painfully raw and intense.
  4. I am deeply broken and always have been yet I have learned to show up and be the most authentic and loving soul I can be.
  5. Friendships mean the world to me and the pain of unexpected loss leaves me bereft – forever. I move forward, but the pain endures.
  6. Sometimes there is a place in this world for rage AND the time is now. The fucked up nature of our world means that their is no time for silence.  Our voices need to rise up for those that are disabled, the Dreamers, the Native Americans, the marginalized, the minorities, our environment, asylum seekers, and the entire human race. We need to do all we can do to keep the world safe from guns that shouldn’t be used, by the President of our country and by the pathetic government that doesn’t seem to represent our country with dignity and love.
  7. Those that attempt to silence me or alter my words don’t belong in my life. But those that inspire me to reach higher and develop my thoughts more fully – thank you.
  8. My passion drives me and helps me embrace the world fully.
  9. While I show up with warmth, love, and a smile on my face, my intensity leaves me quietly awkward inside with an aching heart.
  10. I love the world and feel a little too deeply.

Living consciously and out loud is the gift I give to the world I love. While it doesn’t always feel comfortable for those that know me, I am feeling blessed to have the soul I have.

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable. . .

Sending love, light, hope, and blessings. . . . .

 

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Today is Day 18 of My Selfie Challenge. This is my time to look at how I walk in the world and to shake loose from some of the very things that bind my spirit.  And if I am going to be really truthful, it is my hope that as I take each photo, I will learn to be just a little happier with the person that I am. As a seeker, it is my time to find the beauty that is me.

~ ~ ~

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.” ~Albert Einstein as written in his letter to a grieving father

For Jews this month is traditionally a time of joy. Not so this year.

Day 18Personally, I am navigating some deep loss and sadness. The world outside of me, but within my realm is struggling. And the pain engulfing so much of the world is literally taking my breath away.

The words of consolation are empty and my own personal hope is rapidly diminishing. And yet, we all have to keep moving forward in our own ways.

When I allow myself, I could get lost in the Simon and Garfunkel’s song, Sound of Silence:

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

 As I navigate some of my own personal journeys and the journeys that inspire activism… I realize I have to keep taking one step and then another.

Yes, I am a little dark right now. I think the 17 murdered students and teachers in Parkland, Florida put the nail in that coffin. I am so sad and at a loss for what it means to rise up from the devastation. And my own sadness doesn’t help me too much during this journey. And yet. . .

I still keep taking steps to move outside of what I am feeling. There is a world that needs a response to deranged and depressed people having access to firearms of any types. I won’t even go into the debate of AR-15 and AK 47. And then let’s talk about the disgusting excuse we have as POTUS or many of our politicians. And then there is the realities that I keep seeing in Israel, another country that I once loved with all my heart.

And in the end, there is a balance. On one shoulder sits the reality of what’s going on. There is so much darkness in our midst.  AND on the other shoulder sits the reality that there’s work to do. And I am blessed to be part of building bridges, making a difference and impacting the souls of my students and the different communities that I am a part of. This is the shoulder that keeps me from suffocating.

We all have to keep moving forward.  Hineini, Here I am. I am doing the best I can.

 

 

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Mendocino CA-Sandra G. Wortzel

Mendocino, California Photo Courtesy of Sandra G. Wortzel

something inside of me broke this past week. the details don’t really matter, but it happened. at first the darkness felt like it would devastate me. while I knew that I was surrounded by a loving village, I still struggled . . .

the tears rolled down my cheeks daily (sometimes hourly) and my soul broke open. breathing wasn’t optional; if I was going to push through, I had to take one breath and then another. there were moments when all I had was my breath to get me from moment to moment. and you know what? it worked.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

there was another gift or many gifts that helped me move forward. it was the realization that as alone as I felt that I was being held by so many people that simply showed up. most of them had no idea how broken I was feeling, but I kept hearing nearly the same message time and again.

whenever I found myself the most fragile, an angel whispered. “I see you.” or an old friend would call and say, “I just want you to know how much I love you.” another phenomena that kept coming up was that virtual strangers and close friends kept reaching out to me for advice, for insight, for help and sometimes for loving energy.

barely a couple of hours passed without me being reminded that I touch peoples lives. this helped me (mostly) navigate out of my cocoon of sadness. it’s hard to stay trapped in a cocoon when angels keep forcing sparks of light in.

by the time, I realized that I wasn’t as invisible as I felt, I received the following ending email from Sark, one of my favorite writers:

You are seen, You are known, You are loved.

I remember opening up her email and thinking ‘how did she know that I needed to see those words?’

even as I am in the midst of writing this, my brother reached out and asked if I was ok, my childhood big brother showed up even though I haven’t connected with him in months, and I received an email from another friend who I have not been in close contact with.

all week long, old friends, new friends, strangers, other activists, and members of my community kept reaching out. I’d say almost none of those people had any idea that inside I was crumbling and feeling strangely invisible.

so. . .while things within my heart and spirit feel overwhelming and conflicted. the universe is communicating. hiding isn’t an option during this bout of internal pain. the angels are letting me know that there is work to do.

how beautiful is it that I truly feel loved and held through all that I am navigating. wow. what a gift to know that I am not alone.

I just need to remember in the words of Jai-Jagdeesh’s:

Know you are loved
Rest in peace
Dream your sweet dreams
“Til your soul is released

Beloved Child
My heart is yours
Beloved Child
Go out and open doors
With your love
With your faith
With your compassion
With your grace
Oh, with your grace

Beloved Child
You are the light of the world
Beloved Child
Go out, spread light to the world
Be strong, be kind, be brave
Know your mind
know that you’re are divine
Know that it’s alright to be afraid

if you want a treat, take a few minutes to get lost in not only Jai-Jagdeesh’s word, but the actual song too. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Om3e4qOxdLs

may the lights that shines in every corner of my world reach me and may I always remember that regardless of where I am to share that light with others. feeling grateful to live in a village that never lets me hide for long.

i got this and so do you!

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Feb 2015  Walking from behind

I don’t think I am alone when I say there are so many things I used to fear and that there are many things that I still fear. . .

I used to fear being destitute with all that that would mean. But bankruptcy in the 1990s and a significant job loss in 2014 didn’t destroy my spirit. While both experiences were anxiety inducing, I found ways to change the tide and become grounded again. I learned to live better within my means and to trust the universe a bit more. Things are still not easy, but for the most part life financially work s (except when it doesn’t). My family really has what it needs.

I used to fear losing my husband and being alone to raise my sons.  Divorce after a long separation ended up empowering me to live a more authentic life and provided me with wings to fly.

I used to fear being traumatized by violence, but I not only survived serious childhood abuse, but I survived rape. Some may even say I found a way to not only thrive but to to help others navigate to a safer place whenever possible.

I used to fear loss, but since I live life as fully as I do. I find myself loving intensely and losing those I love sometimes through death, sometimes through abandonment, and sometimes through the realities of time and space. With each loss, I take the good memories and create new ways of living life more fully in the wake of those losses.  And I know that while the deep sadness may always inhabit a part of my heart, the ‘dance of life’ continues.

I have always feared for my children’s lives. After nine miscarriages and devastating illnesses, I still do. AND that doesn’t mean I allow the fear to infiltrate the way I live. Instead I open up my arms and reach for life with the many moving parts that that entails. And I (mostly) trust that my sons will take their own journeys.

As Émile Zola said, If you ask me what I came to do in this world, I, an artist, I will answer you: I am here to live out loud!”

I know that I am blessed. Regardless of what has transpired in my life, I find the inner strength  to emerge as the woman I am. On more than one occasion my friends have referred to me a warrior. While I love that term, the term spiritual warrior resonates more deeply for me. All that I do, I do because of love.

Now for honesty, I have always emerged from fear. Always. BUT that doesn’t mean that I do not live in fear.

This past week, I have faced being stalked and feeling threatened by three neighbors. I have been forced to explore what I think about guns, how to handle the myriad of views about what is happening to me, and how to move forward.

Over the last week, I have had people tell me that I have asked for the violent energy by living my life as I do and I have had to wonder if maybe there was truth to what was being said. In the end, I am furious with those that think I should silence the way I live. That is not the world I live in; that is not the world I want to live in.

I am a writer, a protester, and an activist; I am a woman, an educator, and a dreamer. There is so much work to be done and I can not do it by walking in silence.

The man who now sits in the White House and surrounds himself with darkness needs to be held accountable for the way he walks in the world and the trauma he is causing humankind. So, while I am afraid of my neighbors, I have work to do.

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(Note: My world is exactly where it needs to be; my heaviness is not about my own personal journey in this moment, it is about the world around me.)

Those who know me deeply, know that my heart is full. I am blessed to feel intensely, love forever, and connect at a core level. My friends matter, their friends matter, and I care for those in my world and those in my loved one’s world. And if I am really honest, I can’t stop thinking about the larger world too.

For reasons of privacy, I won’t share any ‘real’ specifics. And in truth, the details probably don’t matter. What matters is that chances are that I am probably not alone when I say that each and every one of us are surrounded by people who are struggling.

Philadelphia doorways

This Photo of Philadelphia Tunnels/Doorways is given by courtesy of my beloved friend and fellow writer Wicca Davidson. I love how she captured this view. Wow.

All of us travel through passages that sometimes feel daunting. Life unravels in front of us and there is nothing we can do except open up our hearts and hold those we love and/or care for. Whether for ourselves or others, we can also take time to pray for healing for bodies, minds, and souls. AND we can visualize spirits surrounded by light too.

Years ago, when my father was dying, I realized that I praying for a specific outcome didn’t work. My father was going to take his last breath sometime in the coming days and I would no longer have him as an active part in my life. So, I had to find a way to send healing thoughts to his spirit and to let go of the impossible dream. More than anything I realized that I wanted my father to have inner peace and to know that he was loved.

Only after my dad passed did I slowly begin to understand that there was a power in finding the right right prayer. My prayers were unique to me in the same ways that yours are unique to you. For me, I actively visualize peace surrounding those in need. I understand that while I may want a specific outcome, I don’t always know the bigger picture. My job is to trust in the universe or perhaps God. I choose to let go of any preconceived notions of what life should look like. That doesn’t ALWAYS work, but I have learned to seek that people find healing and wholeness in the ways that best work for them. Lately though, it is easier said than done.

So many are struggle for health and wholeness. Each and every person is traveling their own individual journey. All I can do is send positive thoughts their way. Yesterday, I posted the following on Facebook:

Seeking a prayer that shares my light and blessings for all those I know who are going through some very significant challenges. The more I care, the more I realize that when I pray I always miss someone on my list of those in need of healing. I hate the feeling that I am missing someone each and every time I pray. ‪#‎NoMoreJewishGuilt 

What I know in this moment, is that I have to take a deep breath and just keep sending my healing energy into the world. I can only do the best I can do. And I can trust, that as long as I am sending positive vibes into the world around me. That’s all I can do.

We really can always pray/visualize.  I just have to trust that while I may miss saying someone’s name, as long I know that my intentions are to send positive energy to all in need, I can stop being so hard on myself and trust that energy will go where it needs to go.

May all of my prayers and positive thoughts penetrate the world around me. May those I know and those I don’t know experience wholeness. May each and every person’s spirit soar and personal wholeness reign.

And let us say. . . Amen.

 

 

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Note: I will be Counting the Omer for a total of 49 days, from Passover to Shavuot or from Slavery to Freedom. For many, this is simply the Counting the Omer; for others, it is a tool for exploring the kabbalistic teachings in an organized way. For me, it is a time to actively reflect on my Journey Towards Wholeness. The more I am whole, the more free I will become.  [http://t.co/dBPYjDxSGj . . . .]

Thich-Nhat-Hanh-mindfulness-Quotes-Walk-as-if-you-are-kissing-the-Earth-with-your-feet

Every step we take matters.

Living in the world means that we need to take responsibility for how our lives affect the larger universe.  Good choices can create positive outcomes.

To me, there is no question about this.

Years ago a friend tried to convince me that our choices didn’t really make a difference to the larger world.  At the time I didn’t quite know what to say.  As a scientist or an engineer, I know that he knew what he was talking about. Or at least, he understood the realities better than I. While his views never resonated with me, I learned to be silent or to simply ask for clarification.

Today, I understand that each decision we make has the power to make a positive difference. Collective empowerment and collective responsibility counts. . .a group has more power than an individual. But without that one person that inspires us to think and make healthy choices, we may never be able to succeed in making this world a better place.

My job is to make the best choices I can make.

With this in mind, I really consider the ways that I can be more conscious of how I walk in the world by considering my carbon footprint with each action.

  1. How much water am I using when I do the dishes or the laundry, shower, and/or brush my teeth?
  2. How far do I have to travel by car? If I have to go the distance, can I combine errands so that I don’t have to make that trek twice or three times in a short proximity? Can I walk or ride my bike?
  3. How much trash and recycling am I creating? Can I use more whole foods so that I use less packaging or better yet no packaging?
  4. Do I turn off lights? air conditioning? heat? Do I put on extra layers of clothing instead of turning on the heat? Do I take off as much clothing as possible instead of putting on the air conditioning?
  5. Have you ever considered hanging your laundry to dry instead of using a dryer.

There is always so much to consider.  The above list is only a beginning of what we can consider to lessen our carbon footprint.

In Judaism, it is incumbent for us to do our to preserve human life, pikuach nefesh (Hebrew: פיקוח נפש) in the best ways we can.

Hineini, here I am. Will you join me in doing the best you can?

With love, light, and blessings,
Chava

PS – In the coming months, I will be moving to Houston.  🙂 So, at one point, yesterday, someone who was asked to help me find a house assumed that if I wanted to live within walking distance to the congregation I will be working for that I must be Orthodox.  Once I realized this. . .I started to giggle.  While that would have once been true, I sure have evolved a ton over the past years.  Today’s focus is minimizing my carbon footprint.

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rawness

Tree Pose180778_10150097427331448_648766447_6518118_7676053_s

feeling the rhythm of life
deeply loving the beautiful connections
surrounding me with each step
my amazing sons, my loving friends
I am blessed

loving the cardinals, the blue jays, the robins
their energy helps my spirit to soar
the frozen earth and icy winds
keep me grounded with each step
I am blessed

writing, working, thriving
breathing deeply, believing all is good
finding balance, reaching for the stars
my transparent soul is alive
I am blessed

moving forward, towards the unknown
taking one step, then another
trusting the universe
living with the rawness of me
I am blessed

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