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Posts Tagged ‘stream of consciousness’

Have you ever been woken in the middle of the night by an inner voice? You know the one that tells you what you need to do.

Feb 2015  Walking from behind

What amazes me about that voice is that sometimes it is so on target and other times it fuels the fears that live deep inside. The key is learning which inner voice speaks truth.

The veil darkness has a way of both nourishing me and instilling a deep loneliness. When I envision the darkness as nourishing, I revel in the cocoon of my own making. I love being surrounded by the blanket of warmth which provides me a safe haven to dream, to think, and to simply be exactly where I am. And sometimes that darkness gives me the lonely space to realize my deepest pain, my loneliness, or the unanswered questions of my heart and soul.

The blackened skies provide an expanse to emerge exactly as I am. There is no one to protect me from my own inner thoughts. And no one to nudge me forwards or backwards; I am on my own.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

And so my morning began.

At 3 AM, I awoke to the realizations that caused me to both cry and find comfort in my racing thoughts.

The question is whether or not to trust all that is racing through my brain. Or do I shut it down and let go.

Sleep doesn’t usually follow these episodes. Once I awake, I can’t hide from the stream of consciousness that flows. Unspoken dreams and profound realities are realized. With each breath, seeds are being planted in the soil of darkness.

Perhaps at daybreak, my eyes will open to some new sprouts and the morning light will brighten my spirit.

I am waiting. . . .

 

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Look what I found on my journal page as I was writing this morning. :) Every moment can be the start of something great!

Look what I found on my journal page as I was writing this morning. 🙂 Every moment can be the start of something great!

I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking,
what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means.
What I want and what I fear.

~Joan Didion~

Writing is the way I come to understand the deepest part of me.

My son Dovi often looks at me when I am cranky and asks have I written lately.  Usually when he asks, the answer is ‘no’, hence the reason for my crankiness.

Lately, I haven’t been writing nearly enough.  Life’s challenges have been overwhelming and I haven’t wanted to note it in any way; I wanted to hide my thoughts from myself.  The good news is that this time, my lack of writing was not a sign of darkness; I was simply trusting the silence and allowing myself a little space from knowing navigating the intensity of my soul.

After flirting (in my head) with some new realizations about life and friends last night, I woke up ready to journal for the first time in over two weeks.  While I have been blogging and editing some of my writing for what will be a future book, I wasn’t journaling.  For me journaling is the most intimate form of self-expression that I can experience. In my journals, I have shared thoughts and feelings that I would rarely (if ever) say out-loud.  I use my stream of consciousness writing to unlock pain, process happiness, hope without judgement, and believe in endless possibilities.

In my journal, I reach for the stars and navigate pain; I allow myself to feel deeply.

This morning’s journaling practice woke up my spirit and calmed my sense of overwhelm.

While I often feel like I am treading water or peddling backwards, today I realized that I am always moving! I NEVER give up!!!  As long as I keep moving, I am doing the holy work of living!

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Morning Pages BinderI love to write.

If given the opportunity I would write all day long. Some days I actually do!

Today was no different then any other day.  I woke up in the morning.  I stretched a bit and drank a little water.  And then, I did what I always do, I took time to write what Julia Cameron, creativity author, calls Morning Pages.  On most mornings, I take 15-45 minutes in order to write long-hand. Some of you may have forgotten this beautiful art-form; it is when you take a pen in hand and write on a old-fashioned piece of paper.  Now some of you may remember how to use the penmanship you learned in 2nd or 3rd grade, but for others, like myself, I write with a combination print and script.

Morning pages are like sunshine to me; they turn me on and get me ready to take on a new day.  They nudge me awake and literally light up my life.  Each and every time I take time to put pen to paper or even fingers to keyboard, I fill up with light.

During the morning pages, Cameron urges her readers to write at least three pages of stream of consciousness writing.  Today, I was able to sit down and start writing from the deepest part of my soul.  On some days, it may take a few minutes to navigate to the essence of what is on my mind, but not usually.  But, when I first started this practice years ago, I would start by writing my daily affirmation 100 times or perhaps make a shopping list, a to do list, a friends list.  You get the idea.  Today, if I am really struggling, I find one of my most beloved sayings and start writing about it. What normally happens is that the saying inspires me to write that which is weighing on my heart.  I always write that which is on my mind.

While reality may be that I’d love to write from morning to night, with eating or stretching breaks along the way.  I can’t.  I have responsibilities, work, chores, and sons; I have a ton to do.

In all practicality, the Morning Pages would not be described as beautiful prose (although sometimes it is), they are the words of someone  who is literally puking out what is on her mind.  When I do that fully, I am then ready to move forward in my day.  Subsequently, this routine leads to more solid and actively engaged writing on my computer because the cobwebs that were in my head are now on my Morning Pages.

Anyway, just because I have taken time to get the cobwebs out of my brain doesn’t mean I am really conscious.  This morning I was so in another world that I ended My Morning Pages with “it is time for me to get to work and turn off my pen.” Oy gevalt. . . . Perhaps, maybe, I was still in a subconscious mode pouring out my heart and soul.  Or perhaps I just need to learn to turn off my pen. 🙂

Morning Pages Open

 

 

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