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Posts Tagged ‘seeking’

“I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all of my heart.”

~Vincent Van Gogh

 

A long time ago I realized that I always have a choice on how to navigate my life’s journeys.  And while it may take a little time to decide how I will ultimately maneuver, I absolutely still have a choice.  And yes sometimes I have to simply allow myself to feel before figuring out a plan.

Two years ago, I came to Tucson for a position that I had hoped would be great for my soul and maybe even take me into retirement.  Eighteen months later, my dream job went to half-time and then the position was eliminated six months later.  Financial challenges for my employer was the ultimate reason that I was left without a position,  Regardless of the reason, it still left my sons and I in a part of the country that we had few friends and now little money to support ourselves.  And it also left me with an opportunity to actively explore what options I have for my next chapter.  (Note: While my sons are living with me now, I realize that as I type this that they are emerging into adulthood.  I love watching them grow and look forward to seeing how they evolve.)

Yes, the journey invokes some fear and at the same time it mostly inspires me to seek the possibilities that will honor my essence.  How cool is that?  With each passing day, I can consider what doors I will go through or whether or not I will simply sit in the doorway and get a taste of what could be.

With each step I have taken in this journey, I have been touched by the generosity of a few awesome friends and the love and caring of many others.  One friend gave me a job to help support myself as I look for a position that would allow me to not only survive financially, but thrive as a human being.  Another friend gave me a computer that he rebuilt after my computer stopped working.  One dear friend gave me a substantial amount of money to fix my car and a few others have offered to help if need be. And other folks have helped me improve my resume, given me an ear, and found little ways to show they care.  There seems to be no shortage of ways that my friends are willing to help; in truth, some of the love is sometimes overwhelming.  

Amazingly, I am really OK and my sons are good too!!!  Going through each and every emotion is what needs to happen; sometimes I am focused and sometimes more distracted.  Life is moving forward and I am not only hanging on for the ride, I am making decisions all the time.

The great news is that overall I am really happy taking this journey.  It isn’t easy, but I am actually forcing my to look deeply at who I am and what I want in my life.  The obvious options or ideas are not necessarily the given paths for me any longer.  I am open to finding the best place for me to go whether it be for long or short term.

Catalina Mountains remind me to keep climbing. :)

Catalina Mountains remind me to keep climbing. 🙂

Every morning, I see the beauty of the Catalina Mountains outside my bedroom window.  As I gaze to the north, the mountains appear like a metaphor reminding me that I can always keep climbing the mountain and striving to become the best person I can be.  

Not only have I taken this time to explore what to do for a living, I have also considered where I want to live, what I want to own, how I need to evolve creatively, what writing projects would give my life more meaning, how to live more consciously and healthy, who I want in my life, and how can I serve the world I live in the best way possible.  There are so many options to consider and so many ways to navigate this journey.

The choices I make now may not be the choices that stay with me forever – that is truly fine.  The key is to explore each option and at some point let the universe open up for me as it will.  Living as authentically as possible feels like the best way to emerge with inner peace.

I am starting to learn a little more about what I love, what and who I need, and what jazzes my soul.  At this point, I can’t share too much because I am just letting it resonate inside of me.  Once it takes root, I can’t wait to let you in.

Every night, I look up to the skies and I watch the cycle of our beloved moon.  Watching the moon’s cycle, reminds me that life is full of cycles too.  And I am going to continue to embrace my exploration for all the days of my life. 

Let the journey continue. . . .

 

 

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Tonight is New Year’s Eve.

While the traditional observance holds little meaning for me in some ways, in other ways it fuels some very deep sadness in my life.

Sadness happens.  On most days I can keep the sadness at bay, but not today.  Today reminds me of the deep void that sometimes takes ahold of my heart and soul.  December 31st has been tough for the last few years.  The good news is that I know that while I am fragile, I am capable of navigating reality.

Most folks think I am ‘an open book’ and sometimes I am; other times I am not.  Over the years, I have learned that sharing your pain can exponentially increase the pain; talking about it leads to more sadness.  So tonight, I am going to admit where I am and do what I do best. . . .I am going to actively seek the light that surrounds me.

How did I do this? How will I continue to nurture the light?

Seeking light begins with admitting how I feel as I strive to reach out of my darkness and embrace light.  For me, I have learned that light always surrounds me, I just have to willing to navigate so that I may reach the light.

Tonight, as I sat in my dark hole, I decided that I would do what I can to remind myself that whatever I have been feeling today and whatever I am feeling in this moment doesn’t have  stay with me.  So I fanned the flame and light started to emerge.  I started by coming home from the grocery store with a gift for myself and with a mission too.

Candles with rose

After purchasing the single rose and lighting some candles, I was ready to navigate my way to a happier place.  Sitting down for a good dinner with Aryeh and Dovi, my sons, I started to feel the gratitude.  And after dinner I came upstairs to my writing space.  Now that I have reached out to some friends, written this blog, and given myself a little time to work through my internal struggles, I am feeling a bit stronger, a bit more ready to face my turmoil.

I am seeking, I am striving, I am in it with all my heart. ~Vincent Van Gogh

 

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