Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘mourning’

Note: I will be Counting the Omer for a total of 49 days, from Passover to Shavuot or from Slavery to Freedom. For many, this is simply the Counting the Omer; for others, it is a tool for exploring the kabbalistic teachings in an organized way. For me, it is a time to actively reflect on my Journey Towards Wholeness. The more I am whole, the more free I will become.  [http://t.co/dBPYjDxSGj . . . .]

Honoring My Bruised and Fragile Heart

Picture by Chava

Picture by ME

Life is good. Really good. My sons are growing into awesome men. My dog still loves to herd. Over the last year, I have been held and supported at each and every step I have taken.  I have a job that I love now. . .one that I am hoping to continue in some capacity as time moves forward. And in less than two weeks, my sons and I are moving to Houston so I can begin an amazing new position.

So. . .while my world is blessed and full, I also have some shadows that keep me stretching and growing. As someone who honors the intensity that is within me, I have to acknowledge that there is so much on my mind at any given point.  I grapple with past hurt, deep feelings, and the state of our world. I struggle with wanting to me wiser, healthier, more beautiful, and most importantly impactful to the world I live. I wonder if I will ever be enough, do enough, and learn to articulate my thoughts better than I do now. Sometimes I simply feel bruised.

We all have so much to learn. I am certain that I am not the only person out there that wants to become a better version of myself. After a lifetime of struggles, there are parts of me that are wounded. So not only do I manage my body, my mind, and my soul, I also navigate the fear of the unknown. Will I have what I need in the coming months? home/food, health insurance, necessities, a way to help my kids with their education.

The beautiful part of my life is that I ALWAYS land on my feet – ALWAYS! But the years of challenges don’t go away just because things have ultimately worked. There are moments that I feel the pain of my heart being stomped on, remember seeing my child in ICU multiple times, or felt the wrath of someone’s anger. There are arguments and challenges that I remember clearly and moments when I felt silenced even though my voice should have mattered.

Part of my ability to live in a place of joy and inner peace is that I also recognize the dark moments. I allow myself to remember, to feel, to cry, and to mourn. I also celebrate that whatever happened to me didn’t permanently hurt my spirit. All that I went through fertilized my foundation so that I could become the person I am.

Each and every one of us have done a lot of work to grow into the people we are.  How beautiful is that?!?!

Today, is one of those days that I value who I am and how I got here, but in this moment, I am remembering and mourning some of the losses that got me here.

May we be blessed to live a life that leaves us celebrating the gifts even as we sometimes feel fragile.

With love, light, and blessings,
Chava

Read Full Post »

Sunset near Pupukea Hawaii; Photo coutesy of  Kathleen Kendle

Sunset near Pupukea Hawaii; Photo coutesy of Kathleen Kendle

(This poem is being re-posted in memory of 9/11/01)

Sometimes Life Gives Us No Tomorrows

Know that I love you wherever I may be.
Always treasure that reality.
Life comes and goes.
And sometimes it goes without warning.

Cry the tears that a broken heart leaves.
Scream out your sadness to the world, the universe or Gd
But never question the love that was part of our every interaction
I am always in your heart.

Sometimes life gives us no tomorrows
Allow yourself the room to mourn
Move forward knowing I am always with you.
What we had can never be taken away – even in death

Some tomorrows never come
Don’t forget the good that I did
Learn from the less than perfect attributes of my essence
And become the best you that you can be.

I have always loved you
I love people just for being who they are
Finding light in the darkest of moments has kept me thriving as I have.
Chanting, writing, dancing, and praying made me into the person I was.

Don’t be afraid to tread when you can’t really swim
Dance in the rain and find the rainbows when darkness prevails
Find the good in every challenge that crosses your path
And always soar and reach for your best.

Know that my life is with you no matter where I stand.
Sometimes life gives us no tomorrows
But I will still always be where you are now.
I love you.

~ ~ ~

Note: This poem was originally written on May 27, 2011 after I witnessed a fatal car crash.  After hearing the accident and seeing what a moment’s difference would have made, I wanted my sons to have something tangible if ever I were the one to die suddenly.  The above words are what flowed from my heart. On that day in May, I realized that accidents, terrorism, sudden illness, etc. can take those we love.  Life happens. Death happens.  And you never expect the sudden death to be you or someone you love.

Somehow it felt appropriate to re-post this poem today on 9/11. The attacks resulted in the deaths of  2,977 victims. The victims included 246 on the four planes (from which there were no survivors), 2,606 in New York City in the towers and on the ground, and 125 at the Pentagon.  All of these people and their loved ones believed that tomorrow would come – why wouldn’t they have?  But Sometimes Tomorrows Never Come. . . .

With blessings & light,
Chava

Read Full Post »

Death happens.  Sometimes we see it coming; sometimes it hits us by surprise.  But in the end, no one lasts forever.

When I consider the reality of death with broad strokes, I find myself in a quiet and peaceful space.  Death happens and that is really ok.  Mostly.

And then reality strikes.  Someone you love is dead and you can no longer talk to them; unspoken words are left unsaid.  After someone dies you can no longer hold them in your arms, kiss them on the forehead, or touch them gently in passing.  After someone you love dies, you can never physically do the the things you used to do with them.  Memories help you through the loss; while you can’t be with those you love physically, you can treasure the memories.

Tomorrow is never a given.

What I know is that life matters; each and every moment makes a difference.  If we are lucky we live fully and learn from both gifts and challenges.  Each step will ultimately lead us to where we are heading.  My hope is that I always live in a place of kindness and good intentions with not only those I love, but with the world around me.  Most of us don’t know when the end of our days will come.  Knowing that I live fully now and that my loved ones know they are loved is critical in my life.

A Moment of Reality

Nothing in life is perfect.  None of us are capable of being on our best behavior every moment of every day.  We are human beings; we have good days and more challenging ones.  May I always walk gently and may my spirit  be full of light.

You just never know what tomorrow will bring. . . .

Nearly two weeks ago, three families/people that I love faced the death of a loved one. The first death was for a young woman who’s entire energy reverberated life; she had so much to give and a rare illness stripped her of her life.  She died tragically after enduring tremendous pain.  The other two of the deaths were both tragic and sudden.  There is no words that I can say to help my beloved friends, all I can do is listen and surround them with loving energy.  My guess is due to the tragic nature of each death, sadness will quite possibly permeate the survivors for a very long time.

As a spectator in watching my friends experience grief, I find myself considering my  life and whether or not I am walking with integrity and light. Since you never know what tomorrow might bring, I want to know if I am making a difference in the life I live.  Will my children remember me with a spark in their eyes? Do I make people smile? Have I done enough to change the world? What more do I need to do to make a difference?  Should I reconsider some of my views and open my eyes a little more widely?  Have I made a difference in the lives of those I love, my friends, my students? Am I being the best person I can be?

I’ve made some mistakes in my connection with some people that I have loved.  Over the past few years, I have had to look deeply inside myself after navigating some very painful interactions.  Losing friends never feels good.  With each loss, I struggle to come to grips with with the fact that connections sometimes end and each ending feels like death.  Only you can’t sit shiva (mourn) for the loss of a good friend, not when they are alive and thriving outside of your life.  What I have learned in the last few years is that death can be both the finality of life and at times it can be the finality of a connection.

Life incorporates so many realities and few of them are simplistic.  May I always take the lessons I learn from life and from death and incorporate them into our life.  And may those that lost their loved ones find blessings in their memories.

ripples[1]

Read Full Post »