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Posts Tagged ‘life and death struggle’

Being in Tucson has been great for my spirit.  I notice the sunrises and the sunsets; the moon calls to me each and every evening; the mountains bring tears to my eyes.  I am home.  And reality still beckons me; I am in a new place with amazing people and still I feel alone.  It takes time to build relationships and to feel safe when you work for a community with people that are also becoming your friends.

Fortunately, I am blessed with a spirit that makes friends wherever I stand.  So I am never completely alone, but sometimes I feel that way.  How can someone who doesn’t know me understand my heart?  How can people understand the pain of my past or even the beauty that exists inside of me nearly at every moment?  I am unknown.  No one really knows my soul in Tucson, but they will if they watch me long enough.

Well yesterday, I became crushed and that pain stayed with me for over 24 hours with lingering pain that has absorbed me throughout the day.  Rational I am not, pain surrounds me on an cell level. I am in mourning and it goes against every grain of my being.  The good news is that in this moment the darkness is NOT penetrating me in this moment.

For those of you that know my loving and happy demeanor, I am sure you are wondering what caused my meltdown, what  caused my heart to feel like it is shattering.

Yesterday, I realized that my sukkah was gone.  To many of you , you might be wondering what’s the big deal.  I am so not materialistic; simplistic living is a practice I hold so dear.  But our sukkah, that was a sign of hope for our entire family when we were struggling with Aryeh’s life.

Five years ago, Aryeh needed to have his second brain surgery and we really weren’t certain that life exist beyond the corner.  We had hope, but only because we had no alternative.  No one wants to face the loss of a child and yet it was a possibility for us.  My son was faced with a life and death struggle that was crippling for our family.

We had little money, yet we decided to splurge for a beautiful new sukkah for all of us.  Our hope was that Aryeh would live, but in all honesty if this was his last Sukkot holiday, we would give him the most precious Sukkot holiday we could.  Shortly after the first days of the holiday, I traveled across the country with him for the surgery that ultimately saved his life.

Losing our sukkah in the move has devastated me.  And yet, it makes no sense to me because I now have my son and I am not materialist, but life doesn’t always make sense and  that has to be OK for now.

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