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Posts Tagged ‘hopes’

“You are more powerful than you know;
you 
are beautiful just as you are.”
~ Melissa Etheridge

Reflection Time Selfie

Growing up, I was often referred to as fat or retarded. The insults were absolutely soul crushing; my spirit was a punching bag that was beaten down at home by my own mother and sometimes by the neighborhood kids. For the first third of my life, my self-esteem was quite literally pulverized.

Over the next third of my life, I learned to accept who I was and to trust the journey that I was living.  I made a choice to thrive and to accept where I was standing. I never wanted to look in the mirror, get on a scale, or have my picture taken.  I didn’t really believe in myself, but I learned to reach out of myself and make better choices. I pushed myself academically and physically; I made and kept amazing friends.  During this time, I faced life and death at regular intervals. I absorbed  tremendous loss while also getting a glimpse into the person I was capable of being. I grew up a lot, had two beautiful sons, and started to find my voice.

The last third of my life, to date, has been profound. I have recovered horrid memories, loved and lost, found my voice, and discovered my many hopes and dreams. (A bucket list is being created as I type.) I have embraced change and accepted the woman I am. And at every turn, I have grown to love who I am and to see the many truths that make up who I am today. I have made tremendous mistakes, faced some deep sadness, experienced ecstatic joy and daily contentment.

With each breath, I am becoming the best me that I can be. I have chosen to live life fully, to reach for my dreams, and to honor the beautiful person that I am. Most importantly, I have accepted that I am a work in progress and that is ok.

On most days, I can look at myself in the mirror and I don’t cringe when I see myself in a photograph. And on better days, I may even love a photo with me in it. Dark days are few and far between. My family of choice reminds me that I am loved while my children, my brother, and my sister-in-law treasure me for the person I am. I am loved. And some people even see me as beautiful. As for me, I am mostly content with the person I am in this moment. I love writing, chanting, drumming, and pushing myself to grow spiritually, emotionally, and physically.

Approaching my 50th birthday is profoundly freeing. I am willing to reach for what I want knowing that my best laid plans may evolve as I do the work. In front of me is a door that is wide open and waiting for me to step across the threshold. I am both afraid and excited to be taking this trek. I no longer fear being alone, but I’d welcome true love again. Mostly, I am striving to take care of myself, honor who I am, and to make a difference in the both my community and my world. I want to have a positive impact as a mother, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a writer and an activist.

In preparation for my 50th birthday this coming February, I am choosing to share my journey towards living more fully.  My guess is that I may have moments of stumbling with this format and the process, but in the end I will land on my two feet – I always do.

I feel blessed. Every moment I have lived has helped to create my foundation as a woman and human being. Today there are many doors wide open and paths calling my name. With a full heart,I am embracing journey towards 50 years old and beyond.

In closing, I want to share a prayer written by Alden Solovy that resonated deeply and helped me prepare to openly journal my journey towards 50.

Regarding Old Wounds
Daughter of man,
Son of woman,
Children of compassion and sacred secrets:
Your wounds are deep,
Your losses crushing,
Knife on flesh,
Hammer on bone,
Burning your heart and searing your eyes.
Why do you invite them back
To chastise your days
And torture your nights?
Why do you love these old wounds,
Holding them so dear?

Son of celebration,
Daughter of ecstasy:
Cast off your doubts,
Banish your fears,
Exile the pain of time beyond your reach.
There is beauty in your past,
Wonder in your future,
And holiness in each new moment of life.

Come you children of G-d,
You witnesses of suffering and grace,
Lift your heads from your hands,
Raise your voices in song,
Lift your lives in service,
And rekindle the light of compassion and love.
Then, your lives will become a blessing,
A well of hope,
A river of consolation,
A fountain of peace.

Blessed are You, G-d of forgiveness,
You renew our lives with purpose.

© 2010 Alden Solovy and tobendlight.com. All rights reserved.

Thanks for walking through the door way with me. . . . .the best is yet to come. 🙂

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Writing
the song of my heart;
the meaning of my mind; 
the feeling of my soul;
Is what makes me One.

Without writing, my life would be empty and dark.  Ever since I can remember, writing gave me what I needed so that I could be grounded.  When no one is there to listen, my pen and paper have always been willing to sit back and listen to all I needed to say. Whether my emotions are overflowing or my intensity too difficult to absorb, my writing reminds me that what I feel is ok -always.

There have been times in my life that my writing was invaded by an unwanted reader and times that my written words were ignored by people that I needed to hear my that which was imprinted on my heart.  I am not sure that there is a difference; both scenarios caused me pain.  Yet today, it doesn’t matter whether my thoughts are explored or not by others.  I write because I have no choice; it is really that simple.

As a blogger, I have learned to share from my soul’s core. Frequently, I have no idea what will emerge when I sit down to blog.  But somehow I have learned to share my heart and to manage the intensity of each piece. Mostly, I have found a healthy balance that works. Every now and then I offend someone or make someone feel uncomfortable, but that is not what I aim to do.  My hope is to make people think and inspire them to find light or goodness in the world around them. Life happens.  My aim, as a blogger, is to weave with momentary sweetness or simple insight into all that I explore.  Creating light in the darkness of life or stresses of the moment, will always be my goal as a blogger.

Writing in general is how I gaze into the world and explore my feelings and my thoughts, my hopes and my dreams; blogging is how I find my place in the world that I feel compelled to explore.

Favorite Writing Quotes:

  1. “I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means. What I want and what I fear.
    ~Joan Didion
  2. Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart
    and try to love the questions themselves.
    Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be
    given you because you would not be able
    to live them. And the point is to live everything.
    Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then
    gradually, without noticing it, live along some
    distant day into the answers.
    ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letter to a Young Poet
  3. I write for the same reason I breathe – because if I didn’t, I would die.
    ~Isaac Asimov
  4. Writing and composing is like a black hole.
    ~Paul McCartney
  5. I could not think without writing.
    ~Jean Piaget
  6. Writing is a form of prayer.
    ~Frank Kafka
  7. Writing is a struggle against silence.
    ~Carlos Fuentes
  8. I must write it all out, at any cost.  Writing is thinking.  It is more than living, for it is being conscious of living.
    ~Anne Morrow Lindbergh
  9. First, I do not sit down at my desk to put into verse something that is already clear in my mind. If it were clear in my mind, I should have no incentive or need to write about it. We do not write in order to be understood; we write in order to understand.”
    ~C. S. Lewis
  10. If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don’t write, because our culture has no use for it.
    ~Anais Nin

May my writing always be part of my life’s journey.

Whether you are just reading this one blog or whether you have been follow my blog for any part of the last eight years – thank you.  Thank you for reading the ramblings of my heart!

With love, light, and blessings,
Chava

Morning Pages Open

 

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The Torah is often referred to as ‘The Living Torah’ in part because so many of the timeless stories weave together the Jewish ethics and values of the past to those of today.

Life is full of journeys.  Personally, I have traveled great distances to seek what I am looking for; I have made choices that have empowered me to navigate myself out of hot water; I have had to tread high waters for periods of time before finding calmer waters.  Within each and every journey I have received messages from the universe or perhaps from God that have enabled me create stronger foundations within my life.

As I studied Parshat Vayaytzay, I found that I, like others are following in Jacob’s footsteps as we have all navigated life and sought that which we are looking for.

Here are a few examples of what one can learn from Jacob’s journey.

  1. Upon leaving home to both run from Essau and to find a wife, Jacob stopped for the night to sleep.  After he laid his head upon a rock while sleeping, he gained insights and believed that God would protect him.  After a long day, we often come to our strongest realizations when all is quiet in the world and we are left alone with our thoughts.  I find it intriguing that Jacob used a rock to lay down.  Rocks are often used as a metaphor for life and for building strong foundations.  I often keep a rock in my pocket as a symbol to remind me to hold firm to my values and to work towards creating stronger foundations within my life.
  2. Once Jacob arrives at Haran, he goes to the well to care for himself and his animals.  At this point, the wealthy Rachel who herself has her own servants, gathers water for the stranger and his flock.  May each of us remember that regardless of what we have or don’t have, we have the power to reach out to others and to help in any way we can.
  3. Jacob falls in love with Rachel and even though he has worked for seven years in order to marry her, he is deceived into marrying Leah, Rachel’s sister, instead.  Jacob then works another seven years in order to be granted permission to marry his beloved Rachel.  Waiting is a challenging part of life, my hope is that none of us have wait fourteen years to marry our beloved, but sometimes it takes years to reach our goals.  Only through actively pursuing our dreams do we have a chance of actualizing our personal ambitions or hopes.

In his book, The Bedside Torah, Rabbi Bradley Shavit Artson, shares that through the power of imagination each of us has the ability to transform the world and ourselves.  When Jacob laid his head on the rock, little did he know how that one dream would transform how he walked in the world and the effect it would have on others to this day.

May each of us be blessed with a moment that empowers us move forward with inner strength and to make positive choices in our lives.

Shabbat Shalom

 

 

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