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Posts Tagged ‘focus’

and i said to my body. softly. ‘i want to be your friend.
‘ it took a long breath. and replied
‘i have been waiting my whole life for this.’

~nayyirah waheed

 

 

Shadow at a labyrinth

My body aches. My spirit is a little bruised. And I really am OK.

Last Saturday, I became contaminated with gluten which left me completely debilitated and unable to fully focus. With my joints swollen and an inability to fully think, I became temporarily despondent. Of course, I also worried that this was not simply a reaction to someone with celiac disease being contaminated with gluten. Instead I thought that perhaps I had a serious illness and the timing of me being contaminated with gluten was simply a coincidence. I think many of us get dramatic when we are physically and emotionally depleted.

After a few days of feeling absolutely horrible, I became desperate, took a deep breath, and asked my Facebook Village for help. And of course they did. Even more amazing, I listened. I decided to make some different food choices, take supplements, drink a lot more water, and allow myself to go through some of my deep frustration and sadness.

In response, it is so awesome how eating the right foods, etc. gave my body a chance to begin healing and made me feel a little better with each passing day. This morning, I felt a better than I did yesterday and this evening not as well. Being on a seesaw is never fun for me, but it is a normal trajectory in any healing journey. While I have a ways to go, I know what I have to do. AND I know that all will be ok.

There are some bummers in this journey. I have decided that it is time to refrain from eating out again unless I eat simple salads or perhaps a few really sensitive vegetarian restaurants. I also realize that it is time for me to find some new doctors because my reaction to gluten contamination is growing more significant. And I am also dealing with how vulnerable I feel around this challenge.

Opening up and sharing my inner thoughts is so very hard when anxiety seems to reign inside my body. Yet over the last couple of years, I have learned time and again that I am blessed with good friends who really are present when I need them. While remaining in the shadows is somewhat easier when I am having a challenging time, the key is to take a deep breath (when ready) and reach out as appropriate.

Would love to know your thoughts and how you move forward when you feel paralyzed in any way.

With love, light, and blessings,

Chava

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Today, there is no more counting the Omer until next year: I finished counting the Omer last week.  For 49 days, I counted from Passover to Shavuot or from Slavery to Freedom/Receiving the Torah.

The practice of writing nearly each of the 49 days helped me feel more grounded and balanced.  As I struggled with some of the intensity that often fills my being, I was able to focus on different kabalistic teachings and to bring them to life in a way that often felt right for me (and hopefully for some of my readers too).  My writing practice had good days and bad days, meaningful writing and not as meaningful writing.  Regardless of the day, my words gave me a greater insight into my heart and into my thoughts.  With each letter typed, my core felt like it was becoming a little more whole, a little more free.

Once I counted the 49th day, the practice of Counting the Omer came to completion.  Over and Out.  And with the last day came an emptiness.  I struggled with finding my foundation, my yesod.  For 49 days, I was guided by tradition to share my thoughts and then as tradition would have it, I had to create a different framework to keep me motivated.  While many ideas are emerging, none are ready to share just yet.  The good news is that I don’t think the waiting will be long.  The good news is that I have come to understand the benefit of the space between the words.  There is power in the silence that surrounds me as I wait for my next writing process to emerge.

Oriah the Dreamer

May the silence lead to an inner calmness and to the emergence of both insightful and powerful writing.

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Shemati Reconsidered

Shemati Reconsidered

Hearing is about noting the sound or the words being heard.  Sometimes it is also about connecting with the energy or the rhythm of what’s going on around you.  If I am honest, listening, really absorbing what is being said and what is going on around you is one of the most sacred acts one can do.

Shema in Hebrew means so many things; it means hear, listen, absorb, focus. . . .it means be present with the sounds and the rhythm of the earth and with whom you stand.  When you are able to be fully present, you open you heart to what is.

In February, I had a viceral amd temporary response, http://wp.me/pthnB-ox, to the word Shemati, the word that had previously meant so much to me. . . perhaps I just had a temper tantrum of sorts.  The word that I had previously held so dear started to hurt me.  In my aloneness, I believed that no one could truly hear the depths of my words and my thoughts.  While there might be some truth to that, I have since returned to peace with trusing that word when uttered from a place of truth.

I am a human being that wrestles with my place in this world.  Where do I belong? Who wants to truly hear what is going on in my head? And do I really have anything worthy of listening to.  As a general rule, my self esteem is strong yet I have moments in which I grapple with the power of my silence.  Perhaps I should say less, walk more gently, and serve others a little more.    While my voice matters, it might have more power in the silence.

And then there are other times when I love the power of my voice and how I am able to connect with people when I use my voice;  I  also love the silence.  The key is finding the balance.

Honoring others comes when I allow others to be real with me and when I trust my own voice and how I interact with any individual or group of individuals.  When I am in a place of integrity, I can say shemati.   And when I am in trustworthy connections, I can believe when folks say shemati to me.  Shemati really does strengthens those connections.

To be fully transparent, I have only started to dip my toe into fully utilizing the word shemati again.  And I have to say it is starting to feel good again. . .it takes time to reconnect with an old friend.

Today, at some point in a conversation with my friend, I used the word shemati.  And with that one word, my friend’s joy was so full; she knew I was returning home.  I was finding my voice and finding center with a word that I really do hold so dear.

Temper tantrum over.  🙂

 

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A few weeks ago, I found what has become my bet rock.  Feel free to laugh at me; I am.

Yesterday, as I was moving through a rather challenging day, I found myself needing to touch base with that rock which for some reason I was carrying with me in my pocket.  So I did.  Throughout the day held the rock in my hand; sometimes I just touched the outside of my pocket to make sure that the rock was there.

I love how this little rock has become my teacher.

The sweet little rock reminded me that I had to stay strong and that maintaining my foundation was an important need too.  The beauty of the rock reminds me that I have live with inner beauty and integrity.  I have to walk gently in a loving and sweet demeanor.  The earth is profoundly beautiful where I live in Tucson and the surrounding areas.  As long as I remain grounded in this beauty all will ultimately thrive.

My life has felt overwhelming as I have had to navigate some difficult challenges lately.  In truth, internally I am struggling, but the rock reminds me to stay focused and present.  My foundation is strong and getting stronger.  All will be ok; it always is for me.

Amazing how a small rock has such empowering energy.

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