As someone who finds the gifts in the challenges and the beauty in the darkness, I struggle to find any sparks of light on December 31st. In fact the last week of December is always a veil of darkness for me. Deep breaths don’t help, chanting makes me miss what no longer exists, and the doldrums have a way of overtaking my spirit.
Regardless of the amount of love that surrounds me, I feel alone. Yet being alone is not something that really bothers me any other time of year.
Deep breath.
With approximately 9 hours left of 2017, I am going to try to shake the blues by being honest and doing what I am known – finding light in the shadows.

My Happy Place: East Bay, California
Just over a year ago, I stood at one of my favorite places in the world. Granted, I haven’t done much traveling, but I so love the Bay Area of California. In fact, I love it so much, that I have this photo in my bedroom, it is one of the first sights I see when I open up my eyes each morning and in my writing corner I have a similar photo of an empty bench looking out into that same beautiful water.
Looking out into the water, most any water, is one of the only ways that I find center and quiet my mind. Taking the time to write, journal, or blog from my heart does the same for my spirit. With that in mind, I am going to do some soul sharing, writing from the deepest depths of my despair.
This year has been really painful for me. I have felt lonelier than I have ever felt in my life. Physically I was forced to see myself differently than I ever had. Too many loved ones were devastated by plagues of physical and emotional hell. The two countries that I love have broken my heart – again and again. And financially, I had to come to grips with the knowledge that as fortunate as I am, I have not taken care of myself or even given my sons some of their basic needs.
The biggest challenge came when my back went out, I realized how systemically broken I was. My core strength was not only physically gone, but metaphorically shattered. And while surgery did a beautiful job of improving what was wrong, I can’t seem to do what I need to do to finish the healing process. I don’t have what it is to lose my excess weight and exercise as I need to. And yet, I am moving and even losing a little weight. And financially, the surgery has kept me in a hole I was hoping to leave.
And then there was Hurricane Harvey. Hurricane Harvey unleashed the bile in my soul. I no longer feel safe. Rational or irrational. In just a moment, all could be lost and I don’t feel like I have a safety net to save me or my sons. And yet, the the truth is that when I really need help, any kind of help, my village shows up. I know that I am loved more deeply than I deserve. My family is held by so many people that have shown up time and again to support us in profound ways.
Twenty-eight years ago, I was married. I thought it would last forever, it didn’t. And while I don’t question the need for it to be over, there is a part of me that mourns the ending on what would be today’s 28th anniversary.
There are more skeletons in my closet that don’t need to be shared, but the waning weeks of the year are rarely good for my spirit. In fact, they remind me of how very dark I am capable of going. Yet when I allow myself to open up heart and my memory, I know that I always end up exactly where I need to be.
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Writing is truly how I navigate the jagged edges of my soul and how I am able to land on my two beautiful feet.
While the challenges of 2017 often felt insurmountable, they never were. With this in mind, I am going to follow the teachings of Swami Vivekananda:
Every step I take in light is mine forever.
So here are some beautiful rays of light that have emerged when despair threatened to take over.
- While back pain left me crippled, I had the most amazing surgeon who understood that he had to act quickly so that I wouldn’t lose the use of my leg. And I had two amazing friends that came to support me when my fear of being alone was crashing down around me. I do have more work to do so that my surgery can remain the success that it was. This has to be the year of more weight loss and more movement too.
- Hurricane Harvey devastated Houston, but with that I birthed Door l’Door. https://www.door-ldoor.org/ The mission of Door l’Door is:
“When Jewish homes are destroyed, Door l’Door will provide each family
with a new mezuzah and other Judaica. Together,we can restore
their spirits, nourish their souls, and renew their faith.” - With each step I take, my truths are resonating with my spirit. I am becoming more whole and more holy. My creativity is nurturing the person I am and the person I am meant to become. Transformation is allowing me to thrive in ways I never felt possible.I am finding peace in the broken parts of me. And on a good day, I am growing to love the woman I am and the woman I am becoming too. I am doing the best to trust this journey that I am on. As a seeker, I feel blessed to have found the words that I will embrace for this coming year. My hope is to strengthen the Spiritual Warrior within and share that essence with my beloveds and those in my world.
With seven hours left of this year, I think I am ready to soar and emerge to a better place.
Hineini, Here I am! I am alive! I am thriving! I have made it to this time!
FYI: Writing lifted my spirits and helped me shake the blues! 🙂