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Posts Tagged ‘blood’

Moon May 2015

 

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence . . . 
~Lyrics by Paul Simon

Darkness has always had an effect on me. I wrote about it in a blog about twenty months ago, Hello Darkness .  And today, I feel compelled to dig a little deeper.

Previously, I shared that “spinning a cocoon of darkness can be beautiful. In that darkness, awareness comes, skeletons are recognized, and insight is found.” While that is true, I want to unveil an even darker side to this reality. Darkness may ultimately illuminate my horizons, but before it does the world may come crashing down and my heart may feel like it has completely shattered.

Over the years, I have found myself stunned more than once by the way profound pain can suffocate my soul. It under this veil of darkness that I remember how painfully alone I am even with my loved ones within reach. This feeling of desolation is unrelenting and at times feels like it is squeezing the life out of me.

It started when I was a little girl and my parents would lose their shit in the middle of the night. Their screams would wake up me in an instant and their violence would permeate the walls around me. With no way out and no where to run, I was held hostage to the rage that lived inside my home.

Over the years, that same feeling has taken over more of my nights than I care to remember. I am never surprised by the punch that comes from a midnight rendezvous. During my really tormented nights, I wake up with my nails digging into my palm. There have even been rare moments when my clutched fist would leave blood dripping from my hands. On those nights, it seems that I am fighting the devastating nightmares that were unleashed from my earliest memories.

Unfortunately, trauma of any sort often leads me momentarily back to the patterns that begun in my childhood – a broken heart, a sudden death, a crippling moment leave me unable to sleep for what could be days if not weeks.

The good news for me is that as soon as dawn breaks, I breathe a little easier. I find that a normal beat returns to my broken heart and hope emerges. I am blessed to have become the thriver I am.

Thank you universe. Thank you loved ones.

Hineini, I am here!

Onward with love, light, and blessings,
Chava

PS: Thanks for reading what will likely be part of my memoir which at this point is being called, Thriving: No Option. . . . If you like what you are reading, please take a moment and like it on WordPress or any social media site, And if you have feedback, I’d love to hear it.

 

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“Friendship is one soul dwelling in two bodies.” ~Aristotle

Loving my friends is part of my being, just as my blood flows; my breath sustains me; and my heart beats, etc.   It is what it is.   And sometimes friendships end.  Death and personal choices sometime sever a connection forever.  With each ending a heart shatters and sadness penetrates one’s being.  Losing someone we love literally takes our breath away.

We have all experienced loss yet with each loss, I am never certain how I will heal from my loss.  How can one survive the pain?  Loneliness quite literally shatters my being; darkness shadows my essence.

This year has been full of loss.  I have lost people that I love.  I have had to say good-bye and to move forward and find my sunny disposition while darkness shattered my essence.

In Hebrew, the word for neshama is often translated as soul and sometimes translated as breath.   With each loss of a soul friend, I literally lose my breath.

I see my closest friends as puzzle pieces that make me feel so much more whole as a human being when when we are connected.  Yet sometimes we lose those that we feel most completely connected to.  A knife can enter us and drain us of our derekh (path) for a period of time.  Again, it is what it is.  Somehow we find the power within ourselves to heal, to move forward.

While the pain feels insurmountable, I am blessed with one realization that will sustain me until the end of time.

Don’t cry because it is over.   Smile because it happened.

~Dr. Seuss

May we all find the blessings in our beloved friends even when they are no more a part of our lives.

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