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Posts Tagged ‘balance’

it's all inside of you

 

 

Question: How will I find or allow for balance of this coming period of time?

Answer: it’s all inside of you.

~ ~ ~

Only through writing, do I fully navigate my thoughts, my realities, and hopes for the future.

Good thing I have my journaling because I am not sure who else would put up with my rambling at 4 AM.

This weekend is the first weekend I am home after a beautiful month of travels.

While the travels were amazing in every way, what is more poignant is how my heart and soul has continued navigating.

With each mile traveled, I found myself aware that my soul travels many different terrains at any given moment.

I am a seeker.

  • the Colorado Mountains call to me and ask me look inward.
  • the Bay Area give me the opportunity to see my values and voice in action.
  • Woodstock, NY holds the beauty that reminds me that I will always have a home away from home.

And yet, I have also learned that while I can journey from coast to coast and in between too, I am always traveling the landscape of my heart and soul.  Breathing deeply, I seek the quiet in a world that often full of noise.

My travels have been illuminating and more than a little scary.  Far from easy, I found some of my vulnerability to be exactly what was needed. By owning it, I am finding myself slowly releasing the cocoon that I had woven around my entire being.

The journeys I have taken this summer have been different than any previous journeys I have ever taken. Each and every step, each and every written word, AND each and every breath has been about my search for balance in a world that is full of kinetic energy.

Onward!

(Note: Each morning as part of my Morning Pages (journaling), I end by asking myself a question and then picking a Hope or Angel Card to help guide that journey. Hope cards can be found http://www.bonesigharts.com/store/hope-cards.)

 

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Sacred Vessel

“it was when she dipped deep inside,
and scooped out her very essence –
and then stretched her arms outwards
with her hands full of stars –
it was when those stars passed thru
her fingers and out to the world –
it was then she understood she was a sacred vessel.
that we are all sacred vessels –
with the entire universe flowing thru us –
and all we need to do is open and be.”
© Terri St. Cloudfrom https://www.bonesigharts.com/store/sacred-vessel

https://www.bonesigharts.com/store/sacred-vessel

Rewritten to honor where I am at this moment. A week off is leading to some empowering realizations and growth:

Moving Forward:
The treasured time between now and later.
Days, hours, minutes, pass. . . .each moment brings me closer to finding balance.
This is my opportunity to do a cheshbon hanefesh, an accounting of my soul.

I will never experience this passage of time again. While I am in awe of how I emerged with the love and devotion of many throughout every step of my life; I am also aware of how much I have learned to renegotiate life whenever needed. Thriving is a non-negotiable, yet I am, like each of us, navigating the gifts and challenges that have been part of my life; I am also celebrating how the tides turn and  the many ripples soothe my core at any given moment.

Now comes the holy work of grounding myself. Finding a new rhythm, processing the experiences of the last years. I am creating a my spiritual space in Houston and more importantly within my nefesh, my soul.  The work can be a little overwhelming, but incredibly sacred too.

Over the last year, I have felt like I was standing in quicksand on more than one occasion. And yet, I never went down. While the trek taught me a ton, it has also been hard at times. And yet, I stretched and I grew. . . how beautiful is that!

I love that I always find good within the challenges; I love that I find beauty in nearly every chapter of life. And yet, there is a cost.  As someone who is profoundly intense, I struggle to shut down and simply free my mind of all thoughts. Instead I actively engage in life by consciously going inward, reflecting, and healing; I also do what I can to make the world a better place by caring and loving others.

What does Moving Forward look like? I seem to be in a quieter place allowing for the silence to penetrate my being. Taking time to connect with people that want to see my soul; reading writings that touch my core; and writing from the deepest parts of my heart.

My body, my mind, and my soul is reaching for the stars, clearing the fog, and striving to settle into a new rhythm.

Emerging
Thriving, reaching, living
Becoming the woman I was always meant to be.
I am making it!

Inside and out – I am trusting each step as I reflect where I’ve been, where I am, and where I am going.

Onward – now & always,
Chava

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At this point, my beautiful village is probably wondering why I would ever have called myself a loser, but I am. Or at least I have been and sometimes it is still my reality.  The good news is that I do some very holy work; I am always trying to become better person and more healthy too. What I know and trust is that I am definitely a work in progress.

Reflections:
You see I have been known to love the wrong person, to value a connection that has outlived it’s benefits, and to hold on to beliefs that stopped serving me well. My guess is that we all have these moments, but lately I seem to be feeling it more intensely than I have in a while.

  1.  A few mornings ago, I awoke early and found myself reading a new Julia Cameron book. In each of her books, Cameron inspires her readers to begin writing what she refers to as Morning Pages.  Morning Pages are stream of consciousness hand-written writings to help jump start your spirit and often allows you the room to work through some of your own garbage without a need to filter each word. (Who has the wherewithal to filter what you are writing first thing in the morning?)

    This morning, I found myself processing the wounds that my original Morning Pages brought me years ago when someone I should have been able to trust went through my writings. I never quite got over that open wound even though that person is no longer part of my life. But it is time and today, instead of writing the three mandatory pages I wrote six pages of long hand writing and released some of the pain that has been getting in the way for years.

    Taking the time to write Morning Pages helped renew my spirit and give me balance.

  2. Holding too tight to Barbed WireAnd then later in the morning, my friend posted the following photo on her Facebook page. “Don’t cling to a mistake just because you spend a lot of time making it.”

    Wow, this saying forced me to consider all of the ramifications of not only the challenging relationship that took away my love affair with my original Morning Pages and the relationships that were crushed from that betrayal. That experience  literally changed the course of my life.

    Regardless, my job is still to move forward. Being stuck for years did not serve my future writing, it did not allow me move forward from the relationships that I saw as being non negotiable parts of my life, and it didn’t allow me to build trust with new people who would value all ot even most of the moving parts of me.

  3. One of my more significant challenges has been how I care for my body through food, exercise, and sleep.  This is one of those areas of my life that I need to build a stronger practice of self care. And in truth, I am doing the work, but I have so much further to go.

    Sleep and exercise seem to be faltering behind, but my eating habits are improving by exponentially.  The last few years I have made a ton of changes for good and now I am making more. Except that I am humbled by how often I backslide.

    Even this past week when I was really sick with a virus, I made sure I had some Coca-Cola nearby. As a child and into adulthood, I have always believed that drinking the caramel flavored ‘stuff’ could make anyone better. It is OK to laugh at me now. . . we know:

    • Coca-Cola can corrode a battery.
    • The sugar in Coca-Cola is a huge contributor to obesity.
    • For me, Coca-Cola causes urinary tract infections or UTIs and it feeds into my sugar addiction.
    • Coca-Cola Company has questionable business practices with many human right violations.
  4. How many times have I created friendships with people that I Believe what People tell yousimply adore even though they have told me something that should have been a red flag. I really should embrace Maya Angelou’s insight, “When people show you who they are, believe them.” Had I embraced these words, I may have saved myself so much pain over the years.

    A few years ago, I had a friend who I loved deeply.  She used to voice that she felt like she was living in my shadow. She would say things like, “Chavale, you are so strongly rooted in ethical choices”; I don’t know how you do it.  She seemed to love my strong spirit, but in the end she voiced that it also made her feel  inept in some way. One day, she closed the door and ended a friendship that I believed would last a lifetime. Today I realize that I am happiest when I surround myself with conscious individuals who live by their values.

Going Deeper
May I surround myself with those that inspire me to be a better human being as they seek to be the best they can be too. Let me also remember to live with integrity always and to strive to be authentic as I walk in the world not only for myself, but for the world I live.

Life is full of many moving parts. Individually, each part can appear to be overwhelming and if I don’t watch myself, I may see myself as a loser. My job is to look a little deeper, if I do I will most definitely see myself as the work in progress that I am.  Conscious living means giving myself the space to stretch, to grow, and to evolve.

May I always be blessed to see the world clearly and not clouded by my own spiritual low – Keeping perspective and remembering to take one step and then the another. There is always more work to do.

 

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Chava's Shadow 17January2016

 

“. . . have patience towards everything that is unsolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms or like books that are written in a remote foreign language. Do not search now for answers that cannot be given to you because you would not be able to live them. And everything has to be lived. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually live your way, without noticing, into the answer some day.  Perhaps indeed you have the capacity to educate and develop others as an especially happy and pure way of life; train yourself for this – but accept what comes in great trust, and as long as it comes from your will or from some innermost need, take it on yourself and hate nothing. ”
― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

Today, I am 50. I know more about myself than I knew a week ago, a month ago, a year ago, five years ago, and so on.  I know that I do not have all the answers, but I wish I did.

Life’s journey has not been easy and yet my life is really quite beautiful. I often get in the way of myself; my intensity leads me into some challenging shadows, but the light that often follows is worth it.  Life’s wounds have healed and loved ones have helped and continue to help me emerge even if I have to do most of the work.

In so many ways, I have chosen to walk a very different path than my friends and family.  My choices have not always been good ones, but they have lead me where I am today. In spite of some of my decisions, my sons are amazing young men that are following their own derekh, path.  I trust most of how they choose to walk in the world; as a ima, mother, it is my job to wonder, reflect, and hope that things go as good as they can and that they make the ‘right’ decisions for themselves.

I have traveled many miles, both in distance and spiritually. With each step, I find my footing, but sometimes I slip and hurt myself (and others) along the way. That doesn’t always mean I have taken a wrong turn and yet the truth is that I often have a lousy sense of direction. Sigh.  Yet, the good news is that I climb mountains that some find insurmountable, but I do it! And each mountain leads to new insight and a stronger me.

There is so much more  work that I need to do in this world. My gut is telling me that I will make a difference for good! I just have to remember to do the work and nurture my body, mind, and soul so that I can do the holy work.  I wish I knew how I could make the most positive impact, but that answer seems to elude me at this time. So I am following Rilke’s advice (above) and living into the answers.

As I take the time to treasure where I am, I also feel the need to look at what more I need to do for me so that it is possible for me to be the healthiest I can be.

My body needs some serious revamping. I have no choice, but to listen to the messages that are speaking so clearly to me. It is time to sleep more, exercise, eat better, and allow for the quiet to nudge me to where I need to go.

I also need to make more time to read great books, go to fabulous museums, hike new pathways and sit in cafés; one of my favorite things to do in this world is to sit in cafés while drinking my tea latte, people watching, and writing.

Stretching means that I need to leave my comfort zone a little bit more often and reach for new heights and become more open to hearing that which makes little sense to me.

My soul aches for the quiet as much as it aches for meaningful interactions. For whatever time I have left on this earth, may I allow for the quiet while navigating towards meaningful relationships and spiritual work.

I seem to always be seeking balance.

My spiritual work is inspired by climbing both real and metaphoric mountains so that I can create a sanctuary wherever I am.  May my energy and light spread out into the world while still warming my very own heart and soul.

Happy 50th to me!

Louisa - late winter 2015

The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step. ~Lao Tzu

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Boise River which flows through Treasure Valley - Dianne Hoff

Sunrise ove the Boise River which flows through Treasure Valley Courtesy of Dianne Hoff

Darkness turns to light
Night turns to day
Time moves forward

Life is what it is
Nothing stops
Cycles continue

Pain evolves
Peace rolls forwards and backwards
My spirit survives and often thrives

Needing the light of day
Treasuring the natural cocoon of night
Metaphorically surrounded regardless of time

Always. . . .

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The gift of prayer is it often gives my feelings a voice and leads to balance.

There are so many connotations about darkness and light, night and day. And yet the flow or cycle helps to strengthen our connection to all life forces.

(Note: This piece was inspired by Ma’ariv Aravim, from my evening prayers.)

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HIDING
is a way of staying alive. Hiding is a way of holding ourselves
until we are ready to come into the light.

Excerpted from CONSOLATIONS: The Solace, Nourishment and Underlying Meaning of Everyday Words.
2015 © David Whyte
Spruce Knob, WV. Mark H Schneider!- Shai's cousin

Photo Courtesy: Mark H Schneider Spruce Knob, WV

This is Blog #500. Wow.

AND yesterday I hit 40,000 views of my blog! Another wow!!!

For me, writing is as important as my heartbeat or my breathing. If I am not writing, I am probably doing my own version of dying. What a gift that I am very much living!!!

For me, writing is the way I share myself fully, it is how I share my soul.  If I have taken the time to write, know that the words spoken were written from the fullness of my being in THAT moment. Writing is how I feel most comfortable in my skin.

~ ~ ~

When most people ask how any of us are, they are looking for simple responses. “Good” or “Fine” are the best answers for small talk. A quick and easy reply is what is expected.

Years ago, I determined that small talk doesn’t serve me well. Professionally and among strangers, I do what is expected; over time though, I have found ways to remain more authentic whenever possible. I have found friends and loved ones that inspire my true self to shine and for transparency.

There is a passion that runs deep within me. While people often describe me as warm and fun-loving, those that know me well know that I am much more complex than I appear at face value.  A simple description defies the essence of who I truly am.  In fact, it may be better to describe me as an similar to an onion; there are so many layers to who I am as a person.

When I connect with a soul friend, I’d rather be silent than share small talk. There is always so much going on inside my head and my heart. Life is full of ‘many moving parts’; my mind rarely quiets down.  At any given moment, I am contemplating my inner thoughts. At any given moment, I could be thinking about what is going on in my life or the lives of those I love; I may be thinking about my students, my community, or the world.  My soul friends tend to understand that my silence does not mean disinterest; it means I can’t wait until we have time to truly share.

Reality is that there are days I feel alone.  I know that my intensity is too much for my soul friends to absorb with regularity. I realize that it is through writing that I release my thoughts and I also realize that as I grow writing is not always enough; sometimes I have a deep sense of longing to share myself not only through my writing. Again, this is the gift of personal growth. There is a time for writing, a time for conversation, and a time for silence. This is called balance.

The rawness that is part of my every breath stopped being held by the container called my body. But I have learned to shed that container by allowing my passion to flow, sometimes through my tears, sometimes through my connections with others, and mostly through my fingers/hands. It is through my writing, journaling, and doodling that I find balance and that the triteness of my soul flows out into the universe. I love that I am not bound by any one way of living and communicating.

The game ‘Hide and Seek’ has empowered me to stretch and grow, to heal and thrive.  Going inward when I need to collect my thoughts, but not needing to stay there; my voice matters. . .I don’t have to hide any longer.  I still have to choose the right time to be fully present with other, to write from my heart, or to go inwards until the right forms of expression emerge.

Thanks for reading. . . .can’t wait to see what will be in the next 10, 20, 30, 50, or 500 blogs.

 

 

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i miss the loving energy that once fueled my soul
i know that tonight is a moment. . .
the sun will shine tomorrow
the blessing is that i always find my way

Life is messy. With the many moving parts, gifts and complications exist at every turn. No matter how good things appear on the outside, my inside is full and always have been.  Mostly I navigate and find light, but sometimes darkness permeates my being.

I struggle with some of life’s realities. My car needs another $900 of work; I never have enough time to nurture my creative spirit; I am not sure how I will afford this month or next; the world is full of so much hatred.

At the same time, I have the most amazing Monday Morning Torah Study Chavurah (group); my family is healthy; I have recently lost 26 lbs by better taking care of myself; my friends are the most amazing people in the world; writing jazzes my soul; my new position reminds me that I make a difference to others as a Jewish Educator.  There is so much to be grateful for.

Finding balance can be so hard. Yet this morning, after I took a deep breath, I realized no matter how difficult my life can feel, I have most of what I need. And the things that I think I need. . . probably aren’t needs.

There are so many people that need more than they have. A mattress on the floor would be better than the ground they have to rest their head on each night.  Being a vegetarian is a choice I have made; there are many people that would be blessed to have a morsel of food or a clean glass of water. While I am missing the changing leaves, the Tucson skies, and the ocean, I am living in a city that offers walking paths and playgrounds in nearly every area. My world really is quite amazing.

In order to go inward and celebrate the life I have, I am slowly allowing myself to go to a more silent place.  The more I voice my ‘third world problems’, the larger the challenges seem to loom. I want to be a little more quiet and allow for the gratitude to flow through me.  I am surrounded by love, by beauty, and loving souls.

With love, light, and blessings,
Chava
Listen to the Silence

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