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Posts Tagged ‘answers’

Elizabeth Gilbert rocks my world. She inspires me to look deeply at all that I am and some of what I am not. She makes me laugh and she reminds me that I need to strive to make my true spirit emerge.

Ever since reading Eat Pray Love, I have been transformed and I have continued to transform. Through reading it, I realized that all of us can create experiences that move themselves forward. And when I am really honest with myself, I realize that I am on that list.

About a year ago, maybe more, I became reacquainted with Liz Gilbert when I tripped over her on Facebook.  Each of her posts caused me to reflect as well as yearn to create. My life started to become even brighter because I entertained the possibility that I really could be creative, not only as a writer, but as a visual artist too.

With the book, Big Magic on the horizon, Gilbert teased her followers with her sayings, her teachings, and her podcasts; she personally galvanized me to reach inside myself and nurture my creative soul and even my spiritual being.

To say that I am feeling positively energized and profoundly more whole as I allow myself the space to become who I really am is an understatement. AND YET, it is really hard work. Sometimes it hurts to realize what you need to do and how far away I am from where I want to be, my roots.

Life is a never-ending journey. My job is to listen to the words of Rainer Maria Rilke:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”

By openly embracing the possibility of living ‘into the answer’ and by really doing the work I need to do, I can grow and be an even healthier version of me.

This mindset has caused me to go inward a lot over the last year. But sometimes I am surprised by ferocity that comes when I am struck by the right teaching at the right time. As I was writing a blog that I was calling, I Wish, Liz Gilbert posted a beautiful and poignant piece that she call NOT THIS on Facebook. https://www.facebook.com/GilbertLiz/photos/a.356148997800555.79726.227291194019670/1002190543196394/?type=3&theater

My response to this piece was,

I needed to internalize this. . .

I made some very challenging NOT THIS decisions in the last few years. . .it is hard to get up and breathe deeply when facing the fears, and yet. . . .I am exactly where I need to be in this moment EVEN as I have a few more NOT THIS things going on in my life.

Tears are running down my face and I am SO OK!

When I say that Liz’s original post took my breath away, that is not an understatement. Since yesterday, I have not been able to shake the feeling that instead of writing I Wish, I needed to write my own version of NOT THIS!

There are some non-negotiables that are shaping up in my life. My comfort zone is not as comfortable as I’d like. While I am fortunate enough to be in the perfect place for me at this time, I am also realizing that I need to make this place even better.

NOT THIS! has to become more of my motto even as I do the work of becoming more grounded in the person I really want to be.

Rocks from Sedona

Rocks from Sedona

One thing that I love about my life is how doors open exactly when the time is right and messages unveil themselves when I need them most. If Liz Gilbert’s Facebook note was not enough, I also received a gift that caused me to cry even more.

Rocks!!!

Many of my friends know that I love rocks because I often ask those who are traveling to bring me home or mail me a rock that they find on their vacations. Rocks remind me to stay grounded in the beauty of what is as I reach for what will be. So when I opened the mail to find my friend Carol’s gift, it reinforced that I really do need to remain grounded even as if the growing pains sometimes feel overwhelming.

Looking forward to turning more of NOT THIS! into more of YES – THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT!

May we all find the messages we need at the right time! I got this!! Do you?

 

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“To be alive──is Power.” 
~Emily Dickinson

Life doesn’t always work out as expected; there are times when all of us feel railroaded. 

For the most part, I find that the best way for me to ride the waves of life, the tumultuous storms, is with a sense of optimism that has the ability to light up any room. Wouldn’t it be lovely if that was always the way ‘it’ worked out?

Over the last few days, I have been triggered by some shadows that are leaving me painfully reflective. While the triggers hurt deeply, I always know that after the moment or moments pass, the sun will shine down on me again.

beautiful blue skies

Tonight, I am allowing myself to breathe into the realities of my life, to feel the raw emotions instead of ignoring them, and to take an evening off of engaging with the world. I am allowing myself the time to live inside my heart without apology.

Transition is often challenging, even when it is ultimately for good.  There is a vibration of vulnerability and excitement, fear and gratitude, playing off of each other. As much as we think we are moving through our transitions alone, we aren’t. There is a village surrounding us, friends and loved ones that are in our court. And in my case, I have my sons that are hanging on for the ride. The biggest challenge of the last two years has been really rough for my guys.

The cost for my younger son, Dovi, was great. The good news is that today I have a strong sense that he is now turning the corner and making conscious decisions to emerge from his darkness. YAY!!! My older son, Aryeh, had to give up a lot in order to help keep our family thriving.  I will always feel enormous gratitude for his perseverance. I am not sure that Dovi and I would have made it without him. Aryeh not only kept us eating healthy meals, he also gave his earnings so that our family could function.  There were so many days that I could have curled up into a ball, but why?

While life hasn’t always given me what I have hoped for, it has given me a spirit to soar and feet to land. I am OK and so is my family!! All of us keep growing and stretching our souls. How beautiful is that!

Most of us can probably relate to the sensation of traveling on a roller coaster.  As we suddenly get thrown downward, we find ourselves screaming or crying out in fear.  And then after the fear passes, we feel a sense of exhilaration as we begin to take the next curve.

A few months ago, I learned that some of the leadership of the congregation I loved so deeply did not believe that my son was as ill as he was. While my son almost died and fought for life, there were those that didn’t understand the extent of his illness and the unimaginable realities of his healing. Really?!?!?!?! YET we were NEVER alone, there were so many others that stepped up to the plate and stood with us every step of the way. 

Learning the above made the ending of my marriage a little over a month ago even rougher. While it was a long time coming, there is no joy in this ending. I thought our connection would last forever, but life didn’t work out that way.

With this period of deep reflection. I am striving to find peace within the storms of my mind. Life didn’t give me what I expect, but it gave me the fortitude to thrive!

This is my time to explore all of the relationships in my life and to better examine what I want for the next half of my life. How do I want to live? What do I want to do with my time? How will I honor the world I live in? Can I better take care of myself and my sons? Will I ever truly be enough? Can I do what it takes to thrive in the world? Will I ever make a difference and have a lasting effect?

The answers to these questions don’t really matter.  What matters is that I know that no matter what happens, I know that, for me (and hopefully my sons), the sun always returns.

I/We got this!

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Life has been hard. Very hard. And yet. . . .

Photo courtesy of Janie Grackin Did you notice the butterfly? :)

Photo courtesy of Janie Grackin
Did you notice the butterfly? 🙂

I am blessed that there are so few moments when darkness doesn’t allow me to see clearly.

Today I feel warmth from the amazing sparks that could easily burst into a flame.  There are so many gifts that surround me at any given moment.  And yes, there is also deep pain that is part of my life and part of the lives of so many people that I love.  But for now, I want to focus on the gifts.

My sons:

  • Today Aryeh and Dovi went biking together for the first time in forever!!!! Now that may seem silly because they are 21 and 17 years old; yet for so many reasons, it really is quite amazing.
  • AND Dovi has asked for shorts so that he can be more comfortable biking; he hasn’t worn shorts in nearly 10 years.  Now this is a shehecheyanu moment (a blessing that is recited when you do something for the first time in a long time or ever).
  • Dovi decided to excel in math and that is exactly what he is doing!
  • This week, we have had some incredibly sweet moments as a family.
  • Aryeh continues to amaze me in the way he takes care of everyone in the family; he is truly growing into a man! Wow.

Friends:

  • I love how my friends reach out and are totally present for me.  As I type, one group of friends is trying to find ways to help me thrive emotionally; they are working towards creating options for me to make it through a challenging period of time.
  • A few different friends have found ways for me to support myself after losing my livelihood. Yay!
  • One friend just embroidered a bath-sheet with my name on it!!!! She even used my favorite colors.  I can’t wait to see it and use it!  (If you are curious, I love sage and lavender. . . but in truth all shades of purple are awesome.)
  • A couple of friends have given me great gifts when I wasn’t sure how I would move forward.
  • I am held by some profoundly loving souls.

Taking care of me:

  • I found a care-giving position that is giving me more normal hours so that I don’t have to work all-nighters.
  • I am on Day 8 of not drinking any sodas!!!!!
  • I am getting more hours of sleep than I had been getting previously; this week I have gone to sleep by 10 PM nearly every night.
  • I am taking time to write.
  • My blog reached 30,000 viewers today.  Sometimes I even hear that my writing is inspiring those that take time to read my writings. YAY!  I so love sharing my inner thoughts through writing.
  • I spoke with one of my closest friends this week after a too long hiatus.

Insights for the week

  • Omm backwards is Moo. (Thanks Dietz Family)
  • My intuition keeps getting stronger and stronger; I love that I am learning to actively listen and respond to my gut.
  • Finding answers to questions is not always so simple. . . .Never ask your friends what is better a Vitamix vs. Blendtec OR Nutri-Bullet vs. Ninja. 🙂 Can you tell my blender is dying and I am into making green smoothies?
  • Everyone has a different perspective about the practices of the High Holy Days.  I am thinking next year I may create my own practice and share with those that are interested.
  • Words have meaning and attitude; just when you think something makes sense, you learn it doesn’t.

I love that I can always find light even when I am walking down a dark alley.  Hoping the same for you too!

With love, light, & blessings
Chava

 

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Last night we counted Day 28 of the Omer, which is 4 weeks of the counting. Today is referred to as Malkhut sheh b’Netzach, shekhinah within endurance.  Shekhinah is a way of looking at Malkhut (meaning kingdom).  When God or godliness dwells in one central location, you have a kingdom.

Netzach Image - Reaching for all that is within life. Courtesy of Jennifer Judelsohn from her Sefirot collection of paintings.

Netzach Image                               Reaching for all that is within life.
Courtesy of Jennifer Judelsohn from her Sefirot collection of paintings.

Wrestling with life is what I do.  I seek answers to questions that lack responses and I often feel alone as I navigate the current realities of life.  Throughout each step of the journey,  there is always a choice about how I navigate wherever I am going.  When I walk gently, the shekhinah can be felt within the struggles, within the questions, and even within the answers.  All of this ultimately is my personal endurance.

With each and every reality, I openly endure what is and for the most part I have found gifts within the challenges.  As a seeker, I am constantly exploring the questions and answers within life.  I am moving forward. I am reaching for clarity, for understanding.

Malkhut sheh b’Netzach, shekhinah within endurance.

Counting the Omer has become a powerful way to personally guide how I walk through the world with the daily and weekly teachings.  As long as Godliness is part of my journey, the shekhinah will ultimately prevail within life’s interactions, within the malkhut.   

My hope is that I am one of many who are on this journey.  To create Malkhut sheh b’Netzach, shekhinah within endurance, we need to be actively engaged in making the world a better place.  And when and where this occurs, we will find the shekhinah in our midst, within our kingdom.

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Today, every area of my life is full of questions.
question mark
With each and every question, I wonder how I will navigate all that is going on in my head and in my soul.  While riding the waves is what I do, I am really in a curious spot.

My guess is that this is life.

What is funny to me is that every one who reads this blog will wonder what’s going on with me.  If you know me, you will wonder if I am ok or if one area of my life or another is feeling challenged.  If you don’t know me, you will wonder if there is a secret message.  The answer is no.

Life is full.  Work. Relationships. Passions.  Passover.

Sometimes I wonder how will I get it all done.  The questions are overflowing; here are a few:

  • How will I manage all that is going on at work?
  • When will I find the time to nurture my body and soul so that I can thrive?
  • Is exercise a choice or a necessity?
  • What will I cook for Passover seders?
  • How will I ever find time to really clean my house for Passover?
  • Can I take a day to curl up in a ball and do nothing?
  • Will my kids have fun in Atlanta at their first cousin’s wedding?
  • Am I kind enough to those around me?
  • Did I scar my children with any of the choices I have made?
  • Do I need more silence in my life?
  • When will I find time to nurture my spiritual energy and share that with others?
  • How can I walk a little more gently in the world?
  • Will I ever complete everything I need to get done?
  • Is it possible to better navigate all that I feel  without feeling a little too well-done?

Sometimes the overload I am feeling cuts deep and other times I thrive on riding the waves.   Today, I wish there weren’t so many waves to ride.

While so many questions surround me and not enough answers are coming to me, I am deeply aware that being able to openly grapple with the world as I do is a gift.  May we all be blessed with to wrestle with the questions inside our heart.

With love and light. . . .

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Congested

seeking inner strength

so many mountains to climb

ridges to navigate

dreams to follow

 

with each breath

i pray for the power to grow

where will I find the answers?

to climb out of the valley

 

is it possible?

 

i am grappling with so many issues

such sadness is being absorbed in my soul

yet i know all this pain is momentary

 

navigating life. . .

some nights it feels like a sheer impossibility

morning comes and the sun warms my frozen spirit

ultimately, I am happy to be alive . . .

 

surrounded by the mountains

I feel the warm cocoon

the blanket of beauty comforts my soul

and nurtures my spirit

 

with each breath,

i have to believe in the power of my heart and soul

to heal and to soar

 

navigating life. . .

that is what I do!

 

As a young child, my favorite movie in the world was The Sound of Music.  The words to Climb Every Mountain propelled me to new heights.  I believed that with song and dance I could actually climb every mountain. I could soar to new heights and reach for any of my many dreams.

In reality, the fantasy probably helped me become the person I am today. Hope is an amazing gift.  As an adult we often lose the concept of hope and just move through life. . .blindly doing what we have to do in order to get through each of life’s events.

When you have hope, life is truly a possibility, an endeavor worth taking.

 

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