Posts Tagged ‘addiction’

I have a problem. I am an addict!!! I just can’t get enough of that white powdery substance. . . .SUGAR.

With this in mind I decided to begin a new health journey  and ask for support from my friends. I did this once before and it lasted for over six years ago; the great news is that I have kept 65 lbs. off, but now I need to go back to the choices I made back then.

The good news is that all of those healthy changes made a difference and now it is time for me to begin again.

Hineini, Here I am!!

Today I started prepping for my latest health journey. Instead of counting 45 days until my 45th birthday, I am counting 21 days of healthier eating, aka no sugar. My hope is that at the end of 21 days, I will start another health journey while remaining steadfast on refraining from sugar too.

Over and over again, I have heard that it takes 21 days to create new habits. So here is the first habit I will be working to change – NO SUGAR!

Making 21 Countdown chartIn preparation for today, I made a fun little check off chart. I did this for two reasons. One, I needed to create a ritual/visualization around checking off the days. Two, I wanted a prop to share my thinking about this journey.

As a sugar addict, I need to own that part of my personality and look for ways to make better choices.

AND here is the ask, please celebrate my successes and support me through my challenges. If this isn’t comfortable for you, simply ignore me. 🙂

Transformation needs to happen. Being healthy is literally a non-negotiable.  So tonight at sundown, I will officially begin my 21 day countdown.  I will share my journey via Facebook and my blog.

Don’t hesitate to ask me how I am doing. Your mentioning it won’t sabotage the work; in fact, it will probably help me remember that I am not alone!

l’Chayim, to life,


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red yahrzeit candle26 years ago, I buried my mother. I remember one relative telling me she didn’t understand why I was so sad, but I was. As tough as my relationship with my mother was, I knew that once I buried her, I would never be able to make it better.

Over the last 26 years, I have faced some of the horrific memories and found ways to heal. The work is relentless, but the benefits are great. I am blessed to have found ways to navigate the darkness and friends that will listen to me on the rare days when the weight of my pain is too heavy to carry. The good news is that those days are few and far between.

For me, I have found that healing has happened on so many levels. I no longer feel deep anger or sadness on a regular basis. Time has been good to me. Sharing my story has helped me detach and move forward. I can now go months without thinking of the impact of her choices or feeling a physical reaction to my memories of her.

Through her actions, my mother taught me how to be a loving soul and a good mother. I knew I never wanted to mother like her or to lose control of myself to addiction. While I am not perfect, I am good enough and sometimes I am even good!

Changing my name so many years ago was the beginning of my healing journey. Writing, chanting, and drumming helped me dig deeper. Healing from domestic violence does not happen without taking many deep breaths, releasing the tears, and even allowing the nightmares to visit each night.  You have to go through the pain in order to find a softer landing, a better place.

Tonight I am missing the possibilities that were lost upon my mother’s death, but I am also feeling immense gratitude that I am exactly where I am. I may be sad in this moment, but it is the sadness that comes each yahrzeit (anniversary of a death) and each Mother’s Day.

The tears are cleansing. My heart is no longer broken. And I am breathing deeply.

Sadness happens. Healing happens too.


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Last night, the lightbulb went off and it was a little too bright for my eyes.  After looking back at my day, I realized that I was facing a head on collision with my arch enemy – sugar.  I’ve always struggled with weight, but last’s nights realization wasn’t about weight, not really.  It was about my inability to stop eating all foods with sugar.

Looking back I am seeing a cycle that began early in the afternoon.  I wanted something sweet so I settled for a trigger food of mine, nut butter.  I ate a spoon full of almond butter and that was enough.  I was proud of myself for getting under control.  Well then I went out for a meeting with some colleagues and I ordered something I never order; I ordered hot chocolate.  By the way, I had also had hot chocolate one week prior as well.  Wait, I ordered a hot chocolate last Saturday night too.

For those of you that know me, at this point you should be nodding your head at me.  For years, I have only supported the purchase of fair-trade chocolate.  Slave labor in the chocolate industry is rampant; my entire family stopped benefiting from slave labor years ago.  Well, in the last few weeks maybe even months, I have found myself eating any chocolate and then saying, well I didn’t purchase it – of course that makes it ok, right? NOT so much.

Addiction is not something I have thought about much over the years, but this is what I think I know.  If you are willing to forfeit your values so that you can enjoy what you know to be ‘blood’ food, then perhaps you have a problem.  For me personally, I have felt a strong conviction that our family has no alternative to purchasing fair-trade chocolate.  This has been a non-negotiable practice in our home.  So, last night, I realized that I had fallen hard off the bandwagon.

There really is no time to lament.  I have decided that I need to go back to my values and learn to control my eating habits again.  Just over two years ago, I did a count down for getting myself off of sugar, caffeine, and soda.  I counted down 45 days to my 45th birthday.  The good news is that I was fantastic and maintaining this practice until this past May when too many transitions hit at the same time.  Moving cross country nearly wiped me out and the reserves it took pushed me to my limit.  While I ultimately succeeded, there was a cost, I started eating the foods that were toxic to me.

With 73 days to my 47th birthday, I think it is time to actively take my life back.  Lately, I have made some great choices. I have been biking more, moving lots, chanting, connecting with friends, and spending quality time with my sons.  Now I need to rid myself (again) of toxic foods.  I also need to remember to live according to the values I hold.

How did I lose sight of my values?  Addiction.  Sugar Addiction.  What I know is that I don’t have to succumb to the addiction, I have to reach inside myself and do the physical and spiritual work of listening to the inner voice; I have to simply stop eating food that is not good for me.

For those of you that live in Tucson, help me by not giving me sweets or making me goodies.  And everyone else, feel free to support me on my journey and to send good thoughts my way.

Let the journey begin. . . .

With light and blessings, Chava

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When I was a little girl, I was addicted to watching television.  If I were terribly honest, I would say that TV was the closest thing I had to companionship.  I would watch television for up to eight hours a day.  I loved the soaps as well as any program that could take my mind to another dimension.  I also loved the variety shows as well as the family shows.  When I wasn’t watching the TV, I would read books that pretty much did the same thing for me as television.  I loved when my mind was able to go into a fantasy world; anything outside of my world was fantasy. Anything outside my world was good.

That was then; today my life is void of all television.  I really don’t have time for television; there is so much life to live.  I love to write, to draw, to organize, to read, to walk, to be with my kids, and to daydream! I am not sure if I have actively watched television since I was on bed-rest during my pregnancy with Aryeh, now 17 years old.

So this past Saturday, I had to laugh when I was essentially berated for not knowing how to operate a television.  And the best part about the conversation is that it reinforced how far I had come from the days of allowing television to be my world.  My life is so full without having a TV in it.

Ironically there have been a few occasions to watch TV, but even with that I tend to seek what I want to watch on computer.  The gift is that when I have watched TV, it is usually because someone else in my family is interested in seeing a show, so they turn on the TV.  During this past election, I did watch every possible debate via TV, but so did everyone in my house (including the dogs).

The disturbing reality of Saturday’s conversation was how people sometimes make assumptions.  Perhaps I am so comfortable with understanding that multiple intelligences guide how people function in the world.  I rarely, if ever, think of someone as limited for moving through the world differently than I do.  I do, however, become troubled when people fail to open their eyes and consider different options for exploring the world outside of what they “feel” is the only correct way.   I am open to new possibilities; I love learning from others and trying new experiences.  The truth is that I don’t even mind using a remote as long as someone can show me how to do what needs to be done.

Hopefully when I feel frustration at something that someone can’t do, I take as long as it takes to show him or her instead of berating them in any way.  And hopefully, if they sense a moment of frustration in my reaction, hopefully they remember to laugh.  We all take the small stuff way too seriously.

So who is willing to teach me how to become a little more technologically savvy?  😉


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