Emerging From Darkness

Over the past several months I found myself visiting an old friend.  Her energy hasn’t served me well nor has my time with her helped me in reaching my goals.  Our lives should be full with that which fuels us to become our best selves.  For too long I lost the rhythm that rocks my world, but I am back. . .I am finding my rhythm again!

Sometimes we need to visit our demons and sometimes we need to hang out with the darkness so that we can emerge to find the light.  At this moment, I am feeling full of light and sustenance.  I sense that I am reaching to a higher place and looking forward to swinging from the branches again.

A long time ago, I learned that if you put a smile on your face and navigate the depths of your despair, you will make it through the thorny bushes easier than if you crumble.  This past week I crashed, totally crashed.  I could tell you why and will try, but in the end, I realized that I was just wiped, totally exhausted by reality.

1. Aryeh started college; I couldn’t believe my son who had suffered so much was able to emerge and begin his journey into adulthood.
2. On the week that Aryeh started college, we found out that Dovi is completely deaf in one ear.  The emotional pain crippled me; perhaps I screwed up in my parenting and didn’t do what I needed to do to take care of Dovi.  It happened after a terrible ear infection and it totally bummed me out.  He is actually coping just fine.
3. Work is full of both challenges and gifts.  Balance needs to take root.
4. Didn’t have time for my creative endeavors.
5. There is so much I want to do and I can’t possibly succeed in doing it all at the same time.

The bottom-line is that life is full and if I want to meet my life goals than I need to reach beyond the darkness and do the work towards each and every aspiration.  I can soar, but not if I nourish the darkness.

Over the past days, I have begun to take my first steps towards reaching my ambitions by:

1. trusting my instincts and listening to my inner voice.
2. admitting that I needed to actively engage in life again.
3. writing
4. working hard and accomplishing tasks
5. lighting a candle
6. listening to music I love
7. not giving up when curling into a ball seemed to make sense.
8. making time for a family dinner
9. expressing myself in both pain and anger
10. seeking guidance from those I trust
11. being a friend
12. finalizing my logo for My Second Foundation, my new nonprofit organization

My heart is excitedly beating as my eyes close for the evening.  There is so much more to do, but I am ready for it.  Hope is emerging.

Watch out world. . .I am back.

Acknowledging the Memories: Creating the Toolbox – part 1

(Creating the Toolbox for Healing and Transformations will be a series of blog entries to introduce tools that I have utilized in my healing journey as well as tools I hope to utilize with My Second Foundation,  a non-profit organization for healing and transformation using retreat settings.)

“Good timber does not grow with ease; the stronger the wind, the stronger the trees.”–J. Willard Marriott

Intense pain. Abandonment. Loneliness. Violence. At those moments, breathing hurts. And then comes the blessing. . .

Healing.

Inner peace. Survival. Transformation. Thriving. At these moments, I surge with gratitude. My world didn’t collapse in despair.

Sometimes the collision between memories and healing takes my breath away; sometimes I want to weep intensely and acknowledge the tortuous darkness. And sometimes I want to forget. And still other times, I want to soar and scream out from the mountains that I am a live. I am pure and full of life. No one shattered my spirit; no one drop-kicked me down into the valley, succeeding in my demise. I am a vibrant being.

When the memories bubble up, I struggle. How could I not? Reaching into my soul I have to find the strength to keep moving forward and more importantly to thrive. What I have come to know over the years is that once I acknowledge the very real feelings and sensations around my childhood memories, I can move through them much easier. When I hold them in I sink into a sadness that penetrates the deepest part of my soul.

Last month, I faced some new demons. The person who teased me relentlessly about coffee had no idea initially how crippling his words were; he probably still has no real idea. When I allow myself the room to remember, I can still smell how my mother tormented with coffee grinds among other things.

The beautiful reality is that the memory has now stayed with me for a few weeks, but it hasn’t devastated me. When you are a victim of both domestic violence and other violence, the realizations might return sometimes frequently and sometimes very infrequently. What I have come to learn is that I can decide how I will meet the memory at the door. Mostly, I embrace the memory and try to get to know it and then I release it out of my life. To move through the difficult memories I write, I draw, work with my hands, I cry, I walk, I chant, and sometimes I share my stories. The key to moving forward is consciously choosing to walk through the pain and into the beauty that surrounds me today.

 

This year, I am birthing a non-profit organization called, My Second Foundation. My Second Foundation will utilize alternative and traditional forms of healing and transformation for adults that have experienced childhood trauma. With the help of many professionals, participants will create their own toolbox for healing and transformation. My plan is to launch this organization over the summer with my first mini-retreat.

For me, life has been a gift, but this realization would not be possible if it weren’t for utilizing writing, drawing, movement, chanting, etc. in my toolbox for healing and transformation. Walking through the many journeys of life is what I do. May we all be blessed to create a toolbox that can accompany this very long trek. These tools are good for living; all of us can emerge from challenging moments by building our own toolbox.

Shadows are possible because of the light that surrounds an area where there is an obstruction. So the goal that I have for myself as I walk is to remember to stay out of my way as I walk into the light. May the same be true for all of us!

With blessings and light,

 

The Soul Matters

“The body is the first instrument of the Soul.” ~Henry David Thoreau

 A year ago, the doctor told that I needed to stop having all sodas and caffeine due to some health challenges.  In that one sentence, something in my soul clicked; an epiphany occurred.  My health had become a symbol for what was happening at the core of my being.

I listened to the doctor completely and then continued to make some vital changes of how I ate and how I moved.  The bottom-line is that I made dramatic changes with how I choose to nurture my body.  Sugar – gone; caffeine -gone; soda-gone.  I learned to move more and then life started happening a little differently than I had grown accustomed to in recent years.

After struggling with so much of life for so long, the doctor’s wisdom made me realize that I had to take the reins in my hands and start figuring out the course of my life.  Trusting myself needed to become the norm and listening to the wisdom that was ingrained not only in me but around me too.  My world is full of insightful, wise souls that share their wisdom freely and their love too.  I needed to learn to listen to the world that surrounded me.

So while the doctor enticed me to give up caffeine and soda as a means of becoming healthier.  I started to make some dramatic changes with how I walked in the world.  And it all began with an affirmation that a dear friend, Mersh Lubel Kanis helped me to develop.  “I give my body what it needs to be spiritually and physically health!”

What became obvious each and every time I wrote or spoke that affirmation is that I had to find a way to make all that I do become a manifestation of becoming more spiritually and physically balanced.  I had to not only eat better; I had to move more and take time to laugh too.  I had to live actively in present times and enjoy what was a little bit more.

Below is a list of what I have either learned this year or developed more fully over the course of this year.

1. Live with integrity in all that you do; integrity comes from within.
2. Speak your truth and listen deeply in return.
3. Friends should fuel your soul and inspire you to be the best that you can be.
4. What matters is not what happens in your life, but how you choose to walk through it.
5. Silence has its place in this world, but only through action do you get things done.
6. Take time to dream and then reach for your dream; actively and consciously give voice to all that you wish to accomplish and then actively engage in making it happen.
7. Nurturing my spirit allows me the space to live life more fully.
8. Always keep yourself moving to the best of your abilities.
9. You never know what tomorrow will bring.  Don’t fear that reality, just let it guide you in how you walk through life.
10. It is what it is.

While the doctor initially told me simple instructions, they became a spring board for me in every area of my life.  I found myself moving and reaching for things that I had been stagnant in my life previously; I also learned that I could ask for help as I moved forward.

During the last night of Chanukah, I sat around the table with not only latkes, but amazing friends and family too.  At the end of the meal, I had everyone pick a card from my beautiful new angel cards (from Israel).  Before picking the card I asked, “What will I need as I journey into this next year and all my endeavors?”  I picked the card which said gratitude.

With gratitude, I feel the blessings that surround me.  I couldn’t have made it without my beautiful family, my beloved friends, and work of my soul.

May I continue to see the blessings that surround me and strive to be a light to others.

With love and light,                                                                                                                                         ~Chava

Keep on moving!  Keep on reaching!

‘Normal’

‘Normal’

Life is so full of experiences from beginning to end.   We live, we dance, we sing, we crumble; our bodies thrive, they evolve, they strengthen, they degenerate, and sometimes we can rebuild them again.  Our hearts hurt and then they become mostly whole again.  Life is what happens as you walk along the way.  And sometimes we are blessed with a full life and sometimes we can’t see it that way.

For nearly three years, I experienced a normal that I pray you never experience.  And yet even as I type these words, I know that I am so incredibly lucky.  While my son Aryeh suffered incredible physical pain and emotional darkness, I was able to be there for him.  I was able to hold him, massage his feet, and give him the intense love that hopefully helped his spirit.  As a family, we found ways to enjoy life and to thrive even as we managed some intense challenges.

Sometimes our children experience normal viruses, broken limbs, or what I refer to as uneventful events.  Moments in time that happen just because you are alive, just because you have a body and you live in society.  Viruses happen, klutzy moments occur, and wisdom teeth often have to be removed from your mouth especially if you are blessed with your mother’s genetics.  My mouth is so small that I had six teeth removed once my adult teeth grew in and then my wisdom teeth had to come out too.

Well Aryeh was blessed with having one of his first ‘normal’ health challenges.  Today he had his wisdom teeth out.  Most of you remember what it was like; it hurts and you feel rotten for a few days.  After about a week, you barely suffer the effects of the experience.  Hopefully that will be true for Aryeh.  I am amazed at his ability to cope with the pain and to persevere.  That doesn’t mean it is painless, but he is handling it.

Amazing - Aryeh is looking good even though his wisdom (teeth) are gone.

I love watching normal even though it isn’t feeling great for Aryeh.  I love know that my son is now a thriving young man who is not bound by the torment of his earlier teenage years.  While oral surgery is taking a bit out of life for the next couple of days, he is planning on seeing his friends in the coming days, keeping track on the news, and learning about Leonardo Da Vinci.

While life has brought us challenges, I am reminded of Debbie Friedman’s song, Mourning into Dancing, inspired by Palm 30.

May each of us be blessed with turning our Mourning into Dancing and finding light in whatever normal might look like for you

A Gift: Memory Transformed

Throughout my life, I have been repulsed by simple designs of small roses found on flannel sheets, wall paper, etc.  Whenever I saw it, my body would tremble and tears would well in my eyes.  For most of my life, I never knew why that was or how to stop the reaction.

When my father died, I was tasked with cleaning his house.  For the most part, I treated this job mechanically.  Since growing up was not easy for me, it was easy to trash 35+ years into a dumpster.  But then I came upon a laundry bin full of soft fabrics that my mother used for cleaning.  In the bin I found the evidence of my years of torment when I saw the fabric with small roses.  There stood the remnants of soft flannel pajamas that I wore as a toddler; I remember never wanting to take them off of me.   I loved my pajamas!

The moment I saw the rose covered fabric, I started crying hysterically; I couldn’t breathe; my entire body trembled.  All I could do was curl up into a ball and sob like I haven’t sobbed in years.  The details don’t matter, but at that very moment, I remembered how those pajamas became rags.  The vision was pretty gruesome and the pain that I have endured since is hard.

In a millisecond this morning the old reality was transformed.

I was blessed with a beautiful shift in that old reality.  As I was curled up in bed under my favorite blanket, I saw a patch of that very same rose design on my quilt.  My friend Carol made me this beautiful quilt; she chose every fabric and texture to honor not only my love of nature, but my need for both a heavy yet soft quilt.  I love this quilt more than any object in my life.

The love Carol gave to me when she created the quilt was enormous.  At that time, no one had ever given me such a gift. (Note: Since that time, I have been given several gifts that were made with me in mind from friends that made me feel loved.)  As I looked down at my precious blanket, the rose design on the square was transformed as a sign of love.

With each step that I take, I heal.

Second Stage: The Journey to Health-part 2

Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in the like kind. What we sow is what we reap.~ Deepak Chopra

Being healthy is not an option for me.  Health is a mindset and I need to be the healthiest person that I can be.  Regardless of my starting point, my physical limitations, or my emotional being, I need to move forward from where I am at any given moment.

Last year, I began my health journey (stage 1) 45 days before my 45th birthday.  I guess now would be a good time to share that I was off in my counting and it was actually 46 days.    In stage 1 of my journey, I stopped eating sugar, caffeine, and soda.  The process helped me to lose initially 63 or so lbs although I sometimes find myself struggling with an extra 3-5 lbs.  The good news is that I don’t let that reality get me down, but I look forward to breaking that cycle as I move into the next phase of this journey.

With each phase of my health journey, I have been aware that I need to make lifestyle changes so that becoming healthier is natural and sustainable over time.  So far, I have done that with my eating and my spiritual journeys.  Now it is time for me to do it in terms of movement/exercise.

Today I is Day 1 of my 60 Day Health Journey. My goal is to continue from stage 1 and now add simple and daily movement.  My routine will incorporate sit-ups, push-ups, light weights, leg lifts, yoga poses, etc.  I am thinking about getting an exercise ball, but I haven’t made a decision yet.  I will also continue walking and biking; although the cold weather might not make for frequent biking.  My long term goal is to one day jog again; I’d really love to do a half-marathon, but I think it might end up being a 5 K or possibly a 10 K instead.  In truth, what matters is that I can become the healthiest me that I can.

Today is only the beginning, but isn’t each day a new beginning open to new possibilities.

Thanks for joining me as I take on the next stage of my Health Journey.  All simple ideas are welcome!!

With blessing and light,

Chava

 

Open My Heart: Listening to the Inner Voice

Pitakh Libi, Open my Heart

Sometimes the universe gives you what you need to hear, what you need to absorb in your life even if you aren’t looking for it.

In the last weeks, I have had so many messages spiraling around me.  Sometimes it is hard to see the messages as personal, but sometimes it is so evident that you just have to find a quiet space and allow the message to penetrate into your soul.  At least that is what I have found.

A little over two weeks ago, a good friend came to visit me at work so we could chant together.  The chanting was powerful, really powerful.  The chanting brought me to a more centered space which then translated into a desire to create, to follow my dreams, and to serve.  We ended our chanting with a plan to create a mini-retreat for a non-profit organization I am creating.  More on that later this week.

Since I started listening, the messages have kept coming and have helped me to see and to do many thing in the recent weeks.

• focus on family time with my boys
• chant a lot
• develop a stronger connection to my work as an educator
• reach out to an advisory team that is helping me create a non-profit organization
• listen to others with a much more open mind while gaining wisdom from their insight
• name my organization with the help of others

The bottom-line is that even in my crazy schedule, I am fluid and I have to be open to the possibilities that surround me.  Regardless of the seeming realities, infinite possibilities surround me.  I just have to keep my heart, my mind, and my soul open to the quiet whispers or sometimes the loud proclamations.

This morning I woke with two chants in my head. The first one was:
Pitkhu li sha’aray tzedek
Avo vam odeh Yah
Open for me the gates of righteousness. I will enter and give thanks to God

and

Pitakh libi
Open my heart

The time has come for me to listen to the voices that inspired me to chant these two chants.  I am so grateful to my friend for teaching me a chant that helped open my heart to the beautiful voices that live both externally and internally.  Both have so much to teach me.

After chanting this morning, I did what I often do in the mornings, I opened up Facebook to see how  my friends would enlighten me with knowledge, great sayings, photos or experiences.

One friend posted a photo he received from the Facebook page Colours to Life.

Alright folks, I get the message.  It is time for me to both ‘open my heart’ and to enter the gates to righteousness.  There is so much work to do!

Hineini, Here I am.  I am here to serve and to listen to the wisdom the universe gives me. The journey is so exciting.

My job is to continue my work and to follow my dreams as I continue to chant:

Pitakh libi
Open my heart

With light, blessings, and an open heart too,

Chava

PS-I just read my last posting called Quiet Reflections, http://wp.me/pthnB-7u it is ironic that in the beginning of October, I said that I “strive to listen to the inner voices and to trust the silence.”  Looks like I have and I am looking forward to this process to continue.

quiet reflection

looking inward

laughing out loud

reaching for the silence

embracing the realities

ah, with each breath, i remember a little more deeply.  reflecting on the realities of my heart and the realities as seen by others.  each memory leads to clarity; the question is. . .am I listening to the small and the big voices.

as I move through the 10 days between rosh hashana and yom kippur, i strive to listen to the inner voices and to trust the silence.  my hope is that allow the silence to flow through me as a means of gaining perspective and clarity.  i am learning that the silence between the words is often the best aspect of any thought or conversation.  unspoken words and deep breaths often exhibit the essence of what is real.

may you and yours be blessed with insight and wisdom as you listen to both the spoken and unspoken words.

with love and light,

chava

Going Going Gone

Sometimes it is time to lose what doesn’t serve you well.

The last year has been filled with dumping some extra weight that wasn’t really good for my health.  And with each lost inch and 60+ less pounds, I am healing my body, my mind, and my soul.

On a deeper level, I am letting go of some pain and anger, some loss and the need for artificial protection.  I am allowing the essence of my personality to shine while healing the darkness.  I am not hiding behind the cocoon of extra weight; I am facing my feelings and smiling more and more.  With tears in my eyes, I realize that I am alive. I am vibrant. I am becoming healthier with each passing day.

I am creating new norms while seeking a more sacred way of caring for myself.  In order to create new norms I have to create space for the new norms to surface.  One way to begin this journey was to stop buying the foods that aren’t good for me and then to prepare and eat healthy foods.   Exercise is still a challenge for me because I feel slow and uncoordinated, but I am biking and walking.   Moving every day is becoming my motto; eventually I will find a rhythm and exercise that works for me.

Over the last few weeks, I have realized that most of my clothing is doing nothing to enhance my physical appearance.  Last weekend, I went to a wedding and last minute I had to improvise with what I had with me.  The clothing I brought to wear was huge.  This past Friday night, I put on my favorite dress to realize that I resembled a sack of potatoes.  So the dress had to go, as did:

• 3 thermal long sleeved shirts
• 8 cotton turtle-neck shirts
• 1 long sleeve t-shirt
• 1 blazer
• 1 camouflage paints (stolen from Aryeh 6 or so years ago)
• 1 sweat pants
• 2 jeans
• 3 slacks
• pjs
• 3 Chefwear pants
• 5 dresses
• 2 skirts
• 1 awesome flax pants/skirt
• 4 blouses

This morning 4 bags of clothing got packed away and will go to Goodwill later today. Yay!!!

The hugest blessing of this journey is that I didn’t have to get too sick or have too much pain in order to find the light and to build a stronger me.  I am profoundly touched by how the journey is working for me and how much love and support I feel with each step.

May my essence continue to shine; may my body MOVE EVERY DAY and my soul continue to heal! I am working on losing everything I don’t need.

Now it is time to find new clothing and perhaps a love of shopping too.

 

The Power of Visioning

“The only journey is the one within.“  Rainer Maria Rilke

Our lives are filled with journeys.  Sometimes we move backwards; sometimes we move forwards.  In my experience, very few of us remain stagnant for too long.

With this in mind, I have come to believe in one core guiding principle.  Visualize what you want and ask for your loved ones and friends to do the same.  Believe in your vision and own it as you work towards your goals, your dreams, and your hopes.

Before I go to sleep at night and as I move through my day, I visualize what I want for not only myself, but for those I love.  When someone is going through personal challenges, I visualize the profound work that goes into moving forward and often see those people in a state of well being.

Over the years, I have also learned another core teaching.  Surround yourself with those you believe in and respect.   If that is the starting point, it is easy to visualize healing, new experiences, and an all-around healthy life.  When you start from the premise of a healthy connection, believing that people can succeed in what they need and want is easy.

Our intentions for good have the ability to take us far in this universe.  When we use those intentions to help our loved ones and ourselves, we can truly make a difference.  I have no idea how or why this works, but try it sometime.  You will see what I mean.

Life is full of challenges and gifts; the good news is that we get to decide how we walk through life.  While the outcome isn’t always good or easy, a positive disposition can empower you to new heights.

Each and every step our journeys can be sacred.  When we believe our desires to be good, when we believe that we can change a little piece of the world for good, those journeys become holy.  Believe in yourself and those in your world enough to work through the steps while utilizing visions and intentions.

Deepak Chopra says it beautifully:

“Every action generates a force of energy that returns to us in the like kind. What we sow is what we reap.”

Visioning is an action word.  What do you want? What do you want others to visualize for you?  What can you visualize for those in your life? Everyone can benefit from your visualizing with positive intentions, even yourself.

With blessings and light,

Chava

PS – I am currently creating an organization to create Retreats for Healing and Transformation from Childhood Trauma.  Join me in visualizing that this work can help many people to heal with the support of amazing healers and visionaries and that the organization can become fully self sustaining while compensating the healers to do their work.

“If you will it, it is no dream.” ~Theodor Herzl